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"The group gathers in the Chamber of the (not) Fayth, around a clear bubble-encased statue in the floor, similar to the one we saw back in Bevelle. Yuna explains to everyone that a fayth no longer resides in the statue, having moved on to less painful things than dreaming of Tightass or whatever it is that the temple fayth do."
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy X Part 20




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02.26.03 :: Scary butt sex

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of videogamerecaps.com. Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to mailbag@videogamerecaps.com

Welcome back to the nearly-a-week-late VGR Mailbag! We're sure our faithful readers are practically clawing their eyes out in frustration because they've had to wait this long for more AG and Lita-chan Brand Snarkiness (except not), so let's cut to the chase. Our topic this week is scary yaoi. As all of you should be aware by now, we don't think all yaoi is scary. Quite the opposite. But there are pairings out there which are so grotesque, so...wrong, that even we, big fans of ass rape that we are, shudder at the very idea of them. Oh, and we've got some off-topic stuff, too. Onward!

Viktor is not the bitch
Ahoy there, mateys.

Since there are many among the mailbag faithful who are more capable than me in the pairing game, I'll just stick to mentioning two pairings which make me think "Uh..no":

- Cid/Vincent: Oh sure, let's pair up the two last blokes who join you in FFVII, because they _have_ to bond! They're the newbies! [NOTE: This line of thought is also used for Vincent/Yuffie (they're optional so they want each other!!) and Auron/Rikku (never mind that Auron's been in Yuna's pilgrimage for quite a while by the time Rikku joins), but since those are hetero pairings they don't count here.]

- Flik/Viktor: Granted, this pairing has a lot going for it: Vik & Flik, after all, had to rely on each other since the battle on Gregminster and especially during those three trips through the Badlands. Plus, they both lost their platonic loves to the Evils of War!(TM), so there's some bond-material. However, what makes this one of the worst yaoi pairings ever is how slash writers warp their personalites in order to fit the seme/uke plot crutch. Which means that Viktor, who won't even feign submission to a devastatingly powerful sentient sword, gets all submissive around the Blue Lightning.

Until next time, put some sense in your pairings, slash writers!

~Quartz Falcon

QF,

You?re damned skippy that the Auron/Rikku pairing doesn?t count. The man?s *sniffle* dead, not a pedophile. How anyone could get Auron and Seymour confused is beyond me. I could actually see the Cid Highwind/Vincent pairing in one way, since Vinnie?s so darned fey. So fey that for my romp through FFVII, our little coffin-sleeping pretty boy was automatically renamed "Bishy." Cid?s just the @#$% man to make a @#$%$ man outta that little over-costumed snot. I can?t speak for the Suiko II pairing, so I?ll leave that one to the greedy little hands of the beautiful and talented LC.

-AG

My brain is telling me that Aurikku is not all that off-topic...except for Rikku being a chick. Honestly, a wrong pairing--and shit, is that ever the wrongest of the wrong--is a wrong pairing. Next time we venture into this topic, we'll go for a broader range so we can talk about all the scary yuri and hetero pairings...like, oh I don't know, Squall and Rinoa.

Onto Flik x Viktor. QF, I couldn't agree with you more. I actually like the idea of these two; after all, there's plot precedent for it, and neither one is really tied up physically with anyone else (despite Flik's obsession with the redheaded Silverburg corpse girl). What really kills this pairing, and I see it in 99 percent of Flik x Viktor fics, is the tendency to make Viktor the bitch, exactly as you said. (At least, as I recall, that's what seme/uke roughly is.) VIKTOR WOULD NOT BE THE BITCH!!! Not that Flik would, but I detest out-of-character fanfics, and that seems almost like a prerequisite for any author trying to get these two in the sack together.

Then there's Culgan x Seed, where they should both be the bitch.

-LC

A pot-smoker and a spaz
Dear RPG Goddesses,

I had to hold my tongue on the last mailbag, because I abhor Valentine's Day.

But the worst yaoi pairing? Hmm. If we allow crossovers, I think I would have to say Zell and Wakka. Can you imagine? One's too hyped up from all the speed to hold still, and the other's too stoned from the blitzbong to do anything other than lay there. Oh...wait a minute. I suppose that would work. Although the thought of it makes me want to yak. Yes. This pairing makes me physically ill. Possibly because I want that big balooga Wakka for myself. Hey...I know he's dumb, but that would put me on top in the relationship, and that's okay by me.

Besides, that pairing would free Lulu up so that she could pursue that red-clad studmuffin, Auron.

But if we were going to get nit-picky, and say that the pairing had to be within the same series, I would say that Sephiroth/Cloud is just the max-icky. Puh-leeeease! Sephiroth has waaaay too much class to go for a depressing loser with a crappy hair-do like Cloud. *hides from all the profanities being hurled at her by fanboys and fangirls* What? What? It's true! Sephiroth is just too hot, and too much of a bad-ass to be choosing the stereotype of anti-social behaviour. He could have any woman he wants, or any women that he wants, for that matter. Tell me honestly...how many men would turn down a chance to watch two women go at it? Not a whole hell of a lot, I assure you. And that is why Sephy and Cloud are the worst pairing ever.

*gets off her soapbox* *quietly puts it away*

Ruby-Doo

Ruby,

You get points for mentioning LC?s favorite FFX ship. I give you more points for inflicting the terror of Sephy x Cloud on my poor, poor brain. However, I can see the relative merits between the pairing. Want more proof? Look here. It doesn?t really matter how many women Sephy could do at any given time, it?s what he really wants, deep down in that white-haired, fucked up, Jenova filled head of his. And I think what he really wants is a spike in just the right place. Given the choice between his rogering Cloud or that rather freaky Oedipus complex, I?ll take the yaoi any day.

-AG

Ehehehehehehehe!!! Go Lulu x Auron!!!

Okay, the scary thing about Zell x Wakka is that...it would work. No, hear me out. Despite the hyperness/mellowness opposites thing you mentioned, they're pretty similar. Both of them, to me, are just kinda doing the saving-the-world thing because all their friends are doing it. Shit, it's obvious from the very beginning that Wakka is more hung up on Blitzball than on actually being a Guardian. And Zell just doesn't have anything better to do. So he'd better follow along and be a third wheel to Seifer and Squall's Innuendo Adventures. Plus, Wakka would have an empty brain into which he could pour all his prejudices and religious brainwashing. And then Wakka would have a follower. How freaky is that?

I don't even want to think about Sephy x Cloud. I'm glad, at least, no one mentioned Laguna x Squall. Ugh.

-LC

True love transcends deadlines
Dear Cecil,

You've always been my best friend thru thick and thin and although I've done some questionable things in my life, my allegiance will always lie with you. I guess the only reason I was ever with Golbez was to make you jealous and for you to want me more and what better way to do that then to be with your brother. The only mind control was being done by me, and I thought it would work. I can't stand how that Rosa chick came between us. You must know that my admiration for you grew when you achieved Paladin status and you're blonde and pink hair showed true to the world! I've switched sides many times in my life, but believe me, I was always be true to only you!

Love always,
Kain

Kain,

Honey, the Valentine?s Mailbag was last week. You?re late! What, did you get caught on that big ass bridge or something?

-AG and LC

Awwww....
This is just a small thank you to all the wonderfully quick witted and sarcastic folk at VGR. For many years I found myself shouting at my console and all the inane dialogue it was spouting at me, I was distraught that there was no network of support to comfort me and nurse my injuries caused by these games (and my fist hitting my head).

Imagine the joy of discovering this website that captures the essence of an RPG: Really Painful Game

Once again, thank you, your website means the world to many of us (in a non obsessive like that guy who Bill Gates sold the X-Box to way).

Ben McAlister.

Ben,

Aww, thanks! We're always happy to see more readers enjoying the snark fest that is VGR, and we're sure Jeanne appreciates the kind words, too. We hadn't really considered ourselves to be a support network for shitty dialogue, but that's a pretty good way to look at it, really. In the sense that we're all hopelessly addicted to homosexual/necrophilia/pedophilia/incestual subtext and lines like "DIE PIG!!!!" Kudos!

-AG and LC

Sweet!
Hey Ladies!

This is my first time writing in to the mailbag, but I've been an avid reader of VGR for the past several months. Let me just say this... I LOVE IT ALL!

People play videogames everyday and some people, like me, play those same videogames over and over and never notice the ridiculous, strange, or unbelievable things that go on. You three, however, show everybody the funnier side of these wonderful games. Thank you!

The thing I love most about VGR is how I can read the recaps of games I have already played and get a new perspective on what is going on. For example, I totally missed the sexual tension between Squally and Seifer my first time through FF8. (Scary, huh? I must have been particularly naive at the time.) But the second time through, it was like somebody was beating me over the head with it, thanks to Jeanne's Recap.

(There is only one thing that I do not like about VGR, however, and that is the age limit to write Recaps. Whoops, site administrators. I suppose I'll just have to wait that long year until I'm 18 to offer to help. You'd better still be here, wankers.)

Well, that's all I wanted to say, other than to wish Jeanne a swift recovery from her surgury. Who knows, maybe I'll write in to the next mailbag too!

...Hey? Come back! I'm not THAT bad!! :)

Sincerely yours,
Ryan

Ryan,

We?re so glad you like the site. It?s always a wonderful thing when another new soul is awakened to truth behind the magnificent, if often crack-induced things that are RPG storylines. We?re not sure how you could miss the whole Seifer/Squall thing, though. Even AG?s sister, upon viewing the intro FMV was quoted to say, "Those boys need to get a room." But at last your eyes have been opened, and we are grateful to Yevon for it. Jeanne thanks you for the get well wishes, too.

However, we do have a bone or two to pick with your letter. As far as the recapper age limit, you really don?t have a say. Eighteen is the legal adult age in this country, like it or not. If you?re not over that age, then you have no place writing for a site where the girls love their ass-rape jokes as much as this one. And to that effect, we here in the mailbag would like to tell you to [Content removed by site administrator for language, violence and explicit sexual content. Please contact the site administrator for more information.] and then we?d like you to [Content removed by site administrator for language, violence and explicit sexual content. Please contact the site administrator for more information.] with your dog.

And don?t ever call us wankers. EVAR. Or we will be forced to [Content removed by site administrator for language, violence, explicit sexual content, and really bad imagery. For more information, please contact the site administrator.].

-AG and LC


Before we move on to next week's topic, we have something to share with you fine readers.

We here at the mailbag have seen some amusing message board posts as of late. Well, we say "amusing," because no one in their right mind would ever be as stupid as to seriously pull a stunt like this one on a site equipped with a site tracker, as VGR so very obviously is. So, we have to assume that the morons here were just having a bit of a laugh. We present it to you for your education and amusement, and hope like hell you learn the moral of the story, which is that you don't shit where you eat, to coin a phrase. We'd also like to thank Mr. Stu for his sterling contribution to our little object lesson here.

Oh, and for the record, we didn't really take this too hard--actually, we thought the joke was funny, too. If the joke was that a bunch of hentai-obsessed, Evangelion spank material-owning jerks on some random message board actually think they're funnier than us. HA HA HA!

Well, for actually having a topic, that was a pretty damn random mailbag, wouldn't you folks agree? See, thing is, we need MORE ON-TOPIC LETTERS. As much as we love gushing fanmail and the occasional hilarious flame, this is a topical letters column, so we need to at least try to stick to the topic. We know, we know, what a novel concept. So, if those of you we know are capable of writing letters but haven't been doing so would kindly get off your asses and spend five minutes penning a response to us, we'd greatly appreciate it. Really. Come back here.

That said, let's get to the topic. Certainly in your time as videogame enthusiasts you've encountered a game that you love to pieces, but everyone else thinks is horrible, right? Or maybe you loathe a game that the entire populace thinks is the bees' knees. There's gotta be at least ONE game that fits this description for you. Are you one of the five people in the universe that thoroughly enjoyed Beyond the Beyond? Or maybe you hate Final Fantasy VI with a passion? Tell us what, and tell us why, by Wednesday, March 5 at 8:00 EST. We're waiting to hear your fringe opinions!

Until next time, [Content removed by site administrator for language, violence and Auron gang-raping. For more information, please contact the site administrator.]!

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