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"It amuses me that someone on the Grandia II design committee said, 'I have a great idea! Let's have giant red mushrooms that have rattlesnakes hiding inside them!' and everyone else agreed that it was, indeed, a fine idea. Of course, there may have been the one non-drug-addled member of the committee (who somehow made it in without the necessary 'qualifications') who didn't agree, but that person's sane, well-thought-out ideas are usually vetoed anyway. I know this all seems like an unattainable fantasy, but I have to believe there's that one intelligent person, or I lose all faith in humanity."
     -Jeanne, Grandia II Part 2




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02.17.03 :: Pixelated Valentines

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of videogamerecaps.com. Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to mailbag@videogamerecaps.com

We love them, we love them not. Last week, we asked for your best character valentines. And, after finishing off a nice magnum of Moet and Chandon and polishing off a pint of chocolate covered strawberries, we here in the VGR Mailbag were ready to play Cupid. Thing is, some of our potential targets weren't all that willing to be smitten by our wobbly arrows d'amour, and to be honest, AG's aim just isn't all that good. So, let's find out whose aim was true, and who was heading for a heartache.

My darling Hero...

Farewell. There is no use in protesting, I can no longer hold out for a love that was not meant to be.... Long have I followed you with my eyes, longing in my heart, my bosum swelling with unrequited love. But you never returned my cards or letters, never once did you acknowledge the flowers I sent, and the chocolates.... you fed my chocolates to the chocobo! How could you? I poured my heart and soul into those confectionries (which is probably why they were Dark Chocolates). No, you spurned my love to wander the world with an opera-singing general who couldn't carry a tune in a bucked and has all the sex appeal of a fisherman's creel, cat-girls, spoiled princessses and the like. I tried, honestly tried to claim your attention. I chased you from one end of the world to the other. I even went so far as to destroy the world to get your attention! What's a guy got to do? And in the end, what did you give me? A sword in the brisket! No more! I leave you to your pantywaste objects of affection. I hope that catgirl gives you fleas. And as you lay awake at night, struggling to survive in the twilight of the world that I turned on its head for you, I hope your heroic laurels will salve your tortured heart when you ponder the bliss that might have been yours.

Goodbye forever,
Kefka.

P.S. I've met somebody new, a chap named Sauron. I think he is my soulmate.

Dear Kefka, why did I spurn you? Because:

1. You're fucking nuts
2. You want to destroy the world and me with it
3. You smell
4. You didn't have anything worth stealing
5. I hate clowns

Goodbye forever,
Locke

Our favorite thief (NO, not Zidane) is pretty damn popular today:

Locke;

It's sad to say, but I don't want to be with you anymore. Rachel's been dead for how long? And you still talk about her. I want a one woman man, and you are not it. I've decided to leave you for Kefka. True, he dresses wierd and wears more makeup than I do, but my love life would be more interesting. Don't feel too bad, just get some therapy and you'll find someone else. I hear Terra's still available.

Respectfully,

Celes

P.S. Stop stealing you Klepto.

Celes,

Good luck with Chuckles. I hear he's shacking up with the Dark Lord. Maybe he'll be interested in a threesome.

Love,
Locke

P.S. I can quit anytime I want.

Dear Squall,

SQUAAAAAAAALL, where are you? It's already been a week since the victory party, and I haven't found you anywhere, Squaaaall.

You promised you would be my knight, Squaaaall, remember? At that lovely, symbolic flower garden, Squaaaall? Our love was to last forever, Squaaaall; don't you remember that's what Nomura said?

I don't know what to do without you, Squaaaall. Already I'm starting to get funny feelings whenever Quistis is around. Come back to me, Squaaaall! I need your manly presence!

Gotta go now, Nida said we hit something on the water. COME BACK TO ME, SQUAAAAAAAALL!!

Love,
Rinoa

_*sometime later*_

Dear Squall,

Squaaaall, you won't believe what I found at the docks today! It's some weird-looking guy with a bad dye-job who looks SO MUCH like you, Squaaaall, yet he's like, your diametrical opposite personality-wise, which makes me happy, since I won't have to warp him too much with my MAD SORCERESS SKILLZ, tee-hee!

Now if only I could keep Zell away from him. What has gotten into that boy lately, anyway? Honestly..

Oh yeah, come back soon Squaaaall. I still miss you!

Love,
Rinoa

Dear Rinoa,

...Whatever.

-Squall

(Why couldn't Seifer have written to me?)

My Darling,

When I think back to all we've shared, I can't help but smile. No matter how I may have appeared on the outside, believe me when I say that the Pilgrimage was the happiest I've ever been since Chappu died. From the first day I saw you, I knew that we were meant for one another, despite forces trying to keep us apart. You had your promises, and I, well, I had the feeling that fate was trying to push me down a different path. But no woman in her right mind could possibly resist your strong, silent charm or the way you looked with your magnificent sword at the ready. I adore you, but alas, it seems that our love could never be. I am writing to tell you that I have chosen not to fight fate and will marry Wakka, as everyone expects me to. I hope that we shall see one another again in the Farplane.

Yours forever,
Lulu

Lulu,

Sin is Jecht, and I am dead. Go to Wakka with my blessing, and tell him to lay off the blitzbong. It makes a man weak as well as pudgy. A woman of your calibre deserves much better.

Auron

My dearest Flik,

Happy Valentine's Day, my Stud of the Blue Lightning! On this most passionate day of love, I can't help but think of that fated day you and I first met--your piercing stare met mine, and I knew that we were destined to be together forever!

But...I have to admit, I feel a little nervous about writing this note to you. After all, I've gotten the impression that you will never return my affections. But the story of Saint Valentin inspired me, and now I must confess my undying love for you! No matter how much your heart belongs to another, and no matter how many times you tell me it isn't meant to be, I will always think of you as my knight in shining armor!

Hope you enjoy the chocolates!

Love,
Viktor

Vik,

Who put you up to this? Nina? It was Nina, wasn't it? How much did she pay you?

...Someone did put you up to this, right? RIGHT?!

Holy shit.

-Flik


Well folks, this time the Lonely Hearts Club Band was marching double time. Such is the world of RPGs where nothing ever goes the way it should, and the plot twists hit you over the head long before they happen. In RPG-land, love stinks, yeah, yeah. If you love someone, they're either going to die, or in some cases *sniffle* already dead. So, we thought we'd keep the trend going and ask for the worst yaoi pairings you can think of. Again, subtlety is our friend, and any *ahem* explicit material is automatically out. So, send us the scoop no later than Wednesday, February 19 at 8:00 PM EST.

Love stinks!

- AG and Lita-chan

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