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"Desperate to get away from the veritable porn library, Alf finds a switch under Momo's dad's desk and pushes it, which causes one of the porn bookcases to move, revealing a trapdoor in the floor, from which rises a fucking rocket. Yes, a rocket. Could this game get any weirder? 'Wow! Only my dad could have made something like this!' Momo gushes as the rocket rises out of the ground. Well, given that the rocket resembles a giant brown phallus, I'm not sure I want her to elaborate on that."
     -Ben, Breath of Fire III Part 4

Link to VGR!

01.31.03 :: Spam, spam, spam

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to

Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...spam and spam! Wonderful spam! That's right, reading faithful. The VGR mailbag has been hit with the cyberspace equivalent of the "Dear Occupant" catalogs. It seems that these folks so eager to form a working relationship with us forgot one crucial point -- that we of the mailbag are not one and the same as the site owner, and that even if their pitch succeeded (fat chance), we couldn't do a thing about it. So, we're honoring these insipid entrepreneurs in our own snarky fashion. Come and see the marketable delights that await us, just one mouse click away!


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This email was sent to We apologize if this email has reached you in error. We honor all removal requests. Please click here to be removed from our mailing list.

Gee, Sarah, you really visited the site? Then you read the part that gave you the email of the site owner? Apparently not, or we wouldn't be wading through the piles of B.S. inherit in your lovingly handcrafted form letter, no doubt sent from one of the cajillion spam servers, most of them residing in that dude's New Jersey basement. Why don't you send him a snail mail about it? I hear he's quite fond of the paper junk mail that people sick of spammers like you are sending his way. Oh, that's right, he's trying to sue the pants off of the folks who're filling his mailbox. Wouldn't it be funny if we did the same thing? No? Well, then you have your answer to your pitch, now don't you?


I'm ever so sure Jeanne is losing sleep at night, madam, because VGR is not listed on every search engine in the cosmos. I know I have a conniption fit every time I receive an email like this for my site and I realize, "Holy shit, you mean I'm not on Infoseek?! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

On a slightly related note, I am dismayed and frightened that there are actually 300,000 search engines on the Internet. Who is using all these goddamn things?


I noticed (Videogame Recaps :: Recaps :: Final Fantasy X :: FAQ) ranked #13 in Google for the keyword "final fantasy x faq". I have a website that is a good match for your's and I think it makes sense for us to link to each other for 2 important reasons:

1 - It will be beneficial to both our users (most important!)
2 - The more links we both have pointing at our site... the higher we will both naturally rank in Google.

Google doesn't just analyze the number of sites linked to you, however... they also look at how relevant and "important' the sites are that are linked to you. My site, for example, is listed in Yahoo. This means that a link from my site will be weighted much heavier than links from other sites (you can read more on how Google uses Link Pop to determine rank here: )

I really think it would be in both our interests to link to each other's sites. If you're interested, please reply and let me know. I'll send you all the info you need and I'll get your info as well.

Thanks for your time... I know that this will be worth your while.


This is so ironic. Here we have a spam-bot in the guise of a real person who obviously didn't read the site and, therefore, didn't realize that VGR is not a FAQ site, but the spam-bot was led to believe it is indeed a FAQ site because there are so many hilarious and silly people who look up "final fantasy x faq" and actually come to VGR thinking they'll finally know the secret to racing those freaking chocobos. I think it's funny that not everyone in the universe knows about GameFAQs, or they'd be going straight there for all their FAQ needs, not fucking around with Google and inadvertently giving VGR more hits. Suckers!



Ah, that's more like it, the blunt approach. Yeah, it doesn't really matter that we're not in the business of providing FAQs per se; it's just that you'd like to have a way to get more people coming to your own site. Such plain dealing is refreshing. It shows Moxie, if not a hell of a lot of brainpower. You must've used yours up with the long-winded explanation of how Google makes the world a better place for us all. Better luck next time.


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Only $24.95, Ms. Baker? Where do I sign up? I don't want to be the last one to know! Oh, yeah, I forgot. I'm not the site owner! Don't you think it would have been more beneficial to send it to the site owner? Yeah? Then why the hell didn't you? Oh, because your company resorts to idiotic, annoying spam to get their message out, and most people with a brain in their head hate spam with a passion. Sorry you were the last one to know.


Although I would imagine that Jeanne gets all these spam emails, just like the mailbag did. My small knowledge of spam-bots would indicate that they sent an email to any email address they found anywhere on the site, or even to the email address of the owner of a site that linked that site. Which is why I end up with spam for VGR and other sites belonging to my friends in my email account, just because I have them linked from my own site. This spam shit permeates all, I tell you.

The funniest thing about all these emails, now that I think about it, is how each one practically freaking apologizes for the fact that it ended up in our inbox. I mean, really, "We apologize for any inconvenience"? Kind of a stupid thing to say, considering that EVERYONE WHO'S EVER HAD AN EMAIL ACCOUNT, EVER finds spam of all varieties incredibly annoying and, I daresay, inconvenient. If they truly were sorry for the inconvenience, why do they bother at all? Lying bastards, toying with my emotions like that.

And the advertisements and pitches continue even AFTER the signature! It's like being on a crappy message board!


Well, we hope you had as much fun reading these idiotic sales pitches as we did--oh, wait, we didn't. We just liked making fun of them. Anyway. During the letter-writing hiatus this last week, some of you overachievers out there in VGR Land decided to write to us anyway with your own little rants and raves. So again this week, we don't have a topic for you. Next week we'll take a gander at the miscellaneous missives we've been sent. Oh, and if any of you feel like contributing to the pile, we gladly welcome more. Just be sure it's something videogame-related or humor-related and that it's not a love confession to either of us, or to Tidus. (Not that Tidus love confessions wouldn't be hilarious, but we'll save that for another day.) And make sure to get whatever you want to say sent to us by Tuesday, February 4 at 8:00 EST.


- AG and Lita-chan

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