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"I'm not sure what Ellia thought he was going to do to her throughout this scene, but she suddenly begins screaming in shock and horror as Penis Assthrustus forms a flaming ball around his fist and blasts her with a bolt of red Charmander spooge. So much for a noble and dignified death. Christ, even Tidus managed to get through his death scene without throwing a tantrum."
     -Jeanne, Eternal Darkness Part 2

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01.10.03 :: Santa's Sack

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to

Listen up, you brats! The two hot chicks runnin' this thing tell me that I've gotta answer the letters some whiners sent me so they could give away some of my swag and look good to a buncha nearsighted losers who don't go outside 'cause they might miss some episode of some guy playin' with his dragon balls that they've only seen a hundred times before. All this, and I've got the damned elves unionizing on me. Stupid little ingrates. Anyway, here's the letters I got from you lazy bozos. Read 'em and shut up!

From a Santa lookalike
I knew you would find this capsule, Santa:

I've been good all year, even though the company Capcom hasn't been good to me. When I created X, my sole purpose in life was to give him the life and coherent plotline that escaped my first creation. Alas, it was not to be. I admit that the first three games were good, straightforward titles that kept the story on track. But then they went Dr. Wily on me and messed everything up! Those retarded designers over there put in a thousand different questions that made the series fall into endless plotholes. "If Zero was created by Dr. Wily, then why is X alive?" "Is X gonna turn Marverick?" or in the emails I get from fans, "Iz MeegaMan X goin 2 bcome teh Mavrick Leeder?!!1" My reply is...NO! YOU DUMBASS! I CREATED HIM WITH THE POWER TO THINK, NOT TO KILL EVERYONE! *sigh* My only wish, Santa, is to bring back some coherent plotlines to the games back so that everyone will think that the creator's of the franchise are inhaling glue. Hey, it's a step up from crack, anyway.

Step into this capsule, Santa, and answer my prayers.

-Dr. Thomas Light, 20xx

Boy, what do you think this is, fine literature? You're lucky you twitch-junkies get a frappin' plotline at all! Ho ho ho, if I granted the wish of everyone who wanted a more coherent plotline for their favorite game, I'd be toiling in my workshop year-round, and not gettin' any lovin' from Mrs. Claus, you dig? And Santy Clause gets mighty testy if he can't knock boots. You don't want ol' Santy to kick your punk ass old school. Yeah, that's right.


I pity da wanker

All I really for Christmas is a cure for Tourette's Syndrome. GIVE IT TO ME OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUN DOWN YOU AND ALL OF YOUR QUEER LITTLE ELVES. You see, my sudden outbursts always cause problems when I'm trying to work my magic on the ladies, THOSE FUCKING BITCHES. You see, if only they would get to know me I'm sure they would find me handsome and charming AND THEY ALL WANT MY BIG FUCKING GUN. I know it seems like a lot, but could you please work some Christmas magic this year for me.

Here's Hoping,


P.S. Murdoc would like a He-Man Castle Greyskull action playset.

Yo, Mr. T, don't you think I would have been the first to fucking know if there was a cure for fucking Tourette's Syndrome? Mrs. Claus told me no more Earlytimes if I don't cut out the fucking bad language, if you can fucking believe that. Tell that dumbass Murdoc to quit playin' with dolls and be a real man why don'tcha?


A coat of red
Dear Kris Kringle,

First of all, I hope this missive finds you in good health, as Yevon knows your job demands it.

As you most undoubtedly know, I have made many journeys across my natal Spira, learning its many secrets and stories, as well as making the ignorant masses a little less ignorant by way of my completely optional expositions. Yet I have often wondered, how can I make more people pay more attention to me? This brings me to the following anecdote:

Of late, I have been crossing paths with Lady Yuna and her entourage. Among her guardians, there are two who stand out: one is Sir Auron, a living legend among his fellow men; the other is some nameless chap whose choice in clothes makes him stand out like a pimple in a supermodel's face. Said young lad also has the stench of ignorance about him, so I make it a point to offer him some optional exposition whenever we meet.

Now, the Boy With No Name often strives to be the center of attention wherever he goes. The things he does to achieve such end, though, deliver far from the desired effect, as most people end up ignoring him, or at least trying to do so. Sir Auron, on the other hand, can almost always be found away from the others, reminiscing, drinking sake, testing his knowledge against mine (amazing how he remembers every little detail of the paths he's crossed) and what have you. Yet when he feels like addressing the group, he immediately becomes the center of attention.

Now, I am aware that Sir Auron has many qualities which combine to give him such pressence. Still, at least one of them would be of much aid. So for this coming Christmas, if it is not much of a bother, I would like to recieve a stylin' red overcoat, medium-sized. Such clothing will surely aid me in my crusade for an enlightened future.

Sincerely yours,

Maechen the Exposition! Man

Well, Exposition Man, I don't think a red coat's gonna do it for you. The only man in red who gets the chicks is the alcoholic fucker with the scar and the sunglasses. Look at me! Best damn lover in the world, red fucking suit and what do I get in all the houses? Fucking milk and cookies. Yeah, my cardiologist is a rich man thanks to all you morons. Wanna make sure you get the best presents from ole Santy? Leave me a Playboy so's my jolly old "elf" will make some magic, eh? Better yet, why not have your little woman deliver it to me special? That sports car you always wanted is just a quick one away, you know what I'm sayin'?


From the Wanker King
I know you are very busy this time of year, so I will be brief. I would really, really, really like a personality transplant for Christmas.

Love, Tidus

Does pulling your head out of your ass count as a personality transplant, kid?


So despite the fact that none of you sorry ass monkeys deserve more than a lump of coal and a kick in the ass this holiday season, I'm gonna work on that "being nice" crap Mrs. Claus is constantly pushing on me and give little Tidus here what he wants. He probably deserves it least of any of you, but I have it on good word from those dumb-o-crat elves that he really needs what he's asking for. And ol' Maechen can get his Christmas wish, too, just because I relate to dudes who like red digs. That's a fuckin' sacred brotherhood.


The tasty broads who normally run this show asked me to pass along next week's topic: something they call "RPG replay value." Whatever the fuck that means, they want to know which games have it, which don't. You've got until Tuesday, January 21 at 8:00 EST to send them your piddly nancy-boy letters.

Santa Claus OUT.

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