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"So Twink has to use two Black Chus to depress the two switches in the room. It only takes me a few tries to choose the button command for 'drop' versus the one for 'throw.' And yes, this means several visits to the room in order to regenerate the God damn Chus. I am a genius."
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker Part 8

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11.21.02 :: The Birds, the Bees, and the Wankers

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to

Sit down, kidlets. That's right. It's time for The Talk. This week's mailbag addresses the age-old question: what happens when two videogame characters have a baby? Well, as you know, when a videogame character and...another videogame character love each other very much, sometimes they do things that bring other videogame characters into being. Never mind that maybe neither Character A or Character B has a womb, kidlets are still possible! (And we already know that Squally can be brutally raped, thus leading to six kids, at least in the mind of one very disturbed fangirl.) So, we asked all you readers out there to tell us what would happen if this character and that character had a baby. And you did. And we're still not sure that some of you shouldn't be locked up. Want the scoop on Gene Mingling of the Pixelated? Read on!

A diseased mind
You don't even have to go so far out on this topic. Princess Garnet looked like a normal human, but her unicorn horn had been surgically removed. So if she and Zidane managed to procreate, we might end up with Gadane, a kid with a unicorn horn and a monkey tail! Kid and the hero of Chrono Cross make a cute couple too, but imagine the result if they managed to mate just as the hero was switching between Cat-Demon and human.....brrrrr. Imagine a Demonic Cat Girl Child that speaks with Kid's Fake Aussie Accent..... But the worst would have to be Kefka, mating with perky li'l Selphie....... "I like trains! (Long drawn out evil cackle)" arrrgh! I can't go on......


CS my dear, you need help. Lots of help. Failing that, lots of liquor to drown out those voices in your head. Don't bother to deny it, I KNOW you hear them. My little green pixie friends tell me so, and... *ahem* Sorry 'bout that. Leaving the first two pairings aside, the mating of Selphie and Kefka intrigues me. "I like trains, I like trains! I like trains so I can blow them up and rule the world! Ahahahaha!! Ahahahaha!!! I like lollipops, too!" Sounds like a good Square villain to me. You have the obligatory black soul and incarnate evil, along with a packaging that makes a good action figure for the fanfolks to drool over. Kind of like Edea when she was channeling Ultimecia, with more personality.


CS, sometimes I wonder if your love for FFIX rivals my own Suikoden series fetish, for as much as you bring up He of the Monkey Tail and She of the Big Head. AG addressed the utter hilarity of Selphie/Kefka, so it's up to me to go with your other matches. *ahem*

Cat Man and Kid mating is not only sick and wrong, but their offspring should be exterminated for the good of reptiles worldwide. I'll call their potential child Steve Irwin's Revenge, as a Cat Man crossed with Steve Irwin would be sure to scare the fuck out of those sexually abused crocs, and make them never want to bite at him again. Crikey!


Treasure hunters and girls with tails
And a mighty "Huzzah!" to you fine answerers of our letters, once more.

I'm not feeling particularly clever this week, as such; this will be a short missive.

First off, courtesy of our friend Googleshng at RPGamer; Merle from Escaflowne + Ayla from Chrono Trigger = Leah from Chrono Cross. That would explain her tail and Ayla-like attitude, I must admit...

Secondly, FF6's Edgar + FF6's Locke = FF9's Zidane. A suave thief who tries and fails to charm the ladies? Sounds familiar enough.

And lastly, Selphie + Yuffie = Aika from SoA. Hyperactive, always cheerful treasure hunter, anyone? Not that a cheerful attitude is a bad thing, mind you.

And that's it for this week. Now, I have to go see what crossing Lina Inverse with Queen Emeraldas would yield...

~Alex Magusaka

I haven't played enough of CC to know anything about Leah, but why does Merle even need to be in the mix? Seems a bit redundant to me: Girl with Tail + Girl with Tail = *shock* Girl with Tail! Unless Leah is obsessively possessive and jealous or something.

As for Aika, I just don't see it. Nothing in creation could be quite as sugary as Yuffie + Selphie, especially Aika. And neither of those two girls account for the handlebar hair.


Well, Alex my dear, a big "Huzzah!" for you too. Now, down to business. Leah from Chrono Cross? Ugh. A tacked-on character if I've ever seen one. "Hey, we had a prehistoric chick with a tail in the last game, let's have another one!" Still, I can't fault your possible genetic mix leading up to her creation, so well done! And while you may be giving Zidane short shrift, (I for one, kinda liked the little monkey boy); your reasoning is dead on.

Now, for the pairing of Selphie and Yuffie. *shudder* That's not a cheerful attitude you're seeing my boy, that's brain-death. That kind of constant, grating perkiness would be like spending eternity with Paige Davis Page of "Trading Spaces" fame. A vision of Hell, trust me on this. Everyone needs a little bitterness and sarcasm in their life. It's what makes it all worthwhile.


I don't know if anyone will mention this, but The Bouncer was chock full of FF8 Love Children. Sion was a mix between Squall and Zell (with some Cloud hair spikiness thrown in), Volt was a mix of Seifer and Zell on steroids, Kou was Laguna with Zell's tattoo fetish gone wild. Dominique was Selphie and Quistis' love child, Dauragon (aka Dorkagon) was Quistis and Seifer's, and that one other chick (something Orchid?) looked like a cross between Rinoa and the Edea in the ending movie. I'm not sure where Echidna fits in -- maybe she was just the T&A.

Maybe Nomura was just lazier than usual when he created these characters, or maybe the cast of FF8 was busy in the genetics laboratory.

And then there are always the ACTUAL children of characters from Suikoden I/II in that series' third installment....



Having no experience with either game as of yet, I can't really say. (Don't worry; Suikoden is #1 on my Xmas wish list, all you fans out there.) However, your comparisons make me long to play The Bouncer, if only for the pure joy in seeing so many Nomura-style lookalikes. Why, the belt total alone will be enough to blow my little mind.


Oh God, Jeanne, you've given me an opening to talk about Suikoden again. I'm sure our legions of readers *cough* are getting sick of me. Or sick of my Suikoden III spoilers. That said...

It's funny how little the children of previous characters actually NEED to resemble both parents. Really, Freed and Yoshino look so much alike that Sanae just looks like a smaller version of her mom, and she's polite like her mom, too. (Thankfully she didn't inherit Freedy's sychophantic behavior.) Emily looks just like her mother (Ronnie Bell) but that's okay, since we have no idea who the father is. Guess his genes were all recessive. And Edge, with his obvious connection to Viktor through the Star Dragon Sword, has sparked speculation that he's Flik's son. Which would make him 15 at the very oldest, and I believe he's supposed to be older than that. But message board folk care not for the laws of time! He MUST be Flik and Nina's love child, oh yes indeed!


Nomura's lack of creativity
Ahoy, ye ravishers of SeeDs.

Lately, I have often played a game and pondered, "Gee, this character looks like and 's kid". Mostly, it's happened in Square's latest games, which says more about Nomura's creativity than about my experiences with deja vu (old topic, I know..). For example:

- Rikku. Or, what would happen if Quistis and Selphie had a child together.
- Sora. Or, what would happen if Jecht had another kid who was less embarrassingly wanky than Tidus.
- Lulu. Or, what would happen if Edea were artificially inseminated with Squall's seed.
- Yuna. Or, what would happen if Rinoa turned her affections from self-absorbed gay men to former Enterprise captains prone to scenery-chewing with their...brilliant... ACTING!
- Auron. Or, what would happen if Clint Eastwood had a child with Carmen Sandiego.

Also, from other games:
- Luca Blight. Or, what would happen if Commodus (from Gladiator) had a son with Dilandau (from Escaflowne).
- Poshul. Or, what would happen if Chuchu (the Xenogears one) had gotten it on with Sparky (Stan's gay dog from South Park).

But what would happen if Tidus and Rinoa somehow were to have a kid?

"I danced with that cute, angsty girl all night long...or at least until she left to "get friendly" with her cute, smirking friend... Why didn't they like me? Probably because of my old man. I hate him!"

Oh, QF. Not everything is Jecht's fault you know. Considering that El Wanko's big come-on line is "Hey, we're all alone except for the blue lion dude. Wanna hold hands and swim?" his luck with the ladies is (rightfully) non-existent. We should give thanks to Yevon for that. Now, as for your other pairings, we'll start with Rikku. Other than hair color, I can't see her as having a thing to do with Quistis. Blind and besotted Quisty might have been, perky she wasn't. Yes, I know Selphie more than makes up for that, but Rikku had a lot more fire in her than of those two could have produced, no matter what the slobbering fanfolk yuri fics have to say about it. I won't go into all your other pairings, since to do so would take up too much space. Let's just say that you have a sick, sick mind and great skills at matching traits, (especially Poshul and Zoah, go you!), with the exception of the Carmen Sandiego reference. Where the hell did that come from? Clint Eastwood as Auron's pappy is a dead on match, but where exactly in the game did Tall, Dark and Grouchy don a hat and go around the world annoying the crap out of two whiny kids? Uh?wait a sec. Never mind. Well, skip the hat part anyway. But if you want to find out what would happen if the Wanker King and Ms. Beard had a kidlet, you need look no further for some speculation on the subject. Read on!


Hey now, I thought the Carmen Sandiego reference kicked ass. I wouldn't say Auron's a super-sleuth (and AG's right, he doesn't wear a gay Killey-style hat) but the red trenchcoat and the air of mystery seem to have come from "Mommy's" side, where his general badassness and penchant for drinking were inherited from--dare I say it?--his old man.

As for Luca Blight, well, DUH. If you don't see any similarities between Luca and Dilandau, it's because you A) have never played Suikoden II; B) have never watched Escaflowne or C) are stupid.


The truth about Sora McWankerson?
What's up, golden girls? I figured I should drop in a letter to explain a cross that looks too damn amazing to be false. I'm talking about the forbidden love child of Squall and Yuffie: Sora! Yeah, you know what I'm talking about! I don't know who has played Kingdom Hearts, but look at the evidence! Squall has changed his name to Leon, under some bogus circumstance, and Yuffie usually stays far away from Leon, though she always has a smile on her face when she speaks to Sora. Why or how this happened? Anyone's guess, but since they look so alike, this will be a hard one for anyone to disagree with.



Putting aside the fact that Squally is no more a pedophile than he is a straight man, I still can't see your reasoning on this one. Sora, the love child of Yuffie? How is it, then, that Sora managed to grow into his Wank-o-rific, angst-ridden early teens while his erstwhile mother is STILL only 16? Now don't get me wrong. I am a card-carrying denizen of Mulletland. I knew girls in middle school who were presiding over their own baby showers while the rest of us were still worried about things like cooties. But still, I just can't see it. Sora to me was more the love child of Tidus and Rinoa, whiny, ineffectual, and constantly being upstaged by his white-haired rival. We can only be thankful that he didn't run that damned "angel" thing into the ground. I can also be thankful that Sephiroth kicked his sorry little heiney a few times in my game.


Golden girls? Zuh?

I share AG's skepticism, and her opinion that Sora is really the (ew!) offspring of Tidus and Rinoa. Only those two could procreate and produce a kid as irritating and egoistic as Sora. Believe me, I'd like to agree with you, because the thought of Squall and Yuffie gettin' it on--unrealistic as it is--is MUCH more pleasant than that of Tidus and know...I can't say it. Excuse me, I need to throw up now.


We're still feeling nauseous for even bringing up the idea of Tidus and Rinoa doing anything remotely sexual, and that tends to leave a bad taste in one's mouth for the mailbag as a whole. You people are, by and large, sick. Really sick. That's probably why we like you all so very, very much.

That said, we'd like to steer away from any topics that could potentially result in a letter involving Tidus and sex, so here's your brain-buster for next week: most RPGs have monsters. Random monsters. Some of them are pathetically harmless (e.g., Blobs) and some derive great joy from sucking out your party's souls and eating them for breakfast (e.g., Tonberries). What's your pick for most frustrating, difficult, mind-numbingly horrible random RPG monster of all time? Let us know and next week will be a 'round-the-campfire-style mailbag in which we share our worst random battle horror stories. But remember, we need to hear from you by 8:00 EST on Tuesday, November 26.

Until next week!

- AG and Lita-chan

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