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"I can't think of one good reason for Edea to drag Rinhoa out with her. Sure, if she were to include a portion of the speech that said something like, 'Hey, assholes. Next time you want to pull one over on me, maybe you should send someone who isn't the mental equivalent of a retarded beanbag.' But...she doesn't."
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy VIII Part 8




Absoludicrous.net
Alterra



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08.07.02 :: The First Mailbag Ever

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of videogamerecaps.com. Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to mailbag@videogamerecaps.com

Good evening, and welcome to the first installment of the VGR Mailbag! *points to the title* Yes, that's the official name, but we'd rather not advance that much faster toward Carpal Tunnel Syndrome by typing it out all the time. It's the mailbag. You're soaking in it. Let's hope that the "Fount of Wisdom" does you some good. Hey, we're optimists, what can we say?

We're your omnipotent, beautiful and all-around hot hosts, Auron's Girl and Lita-chan. In the spirit of interacting as much as possible with her readers, Jeanne hired us to answer whatever witty (???) emails you all decide to send in. Failing that, we're supposed to make up a bunch of filler material, preferably concerning Squall and Seifer being gay, with perhaps a Auron glomp in there somewhere.

Tonight is the illustrious debut of this here mailbag, so our letters are kinda...random. And few. Which is fine, we suppose. Our fragile egos were crushed into sawdust when we saw how few people wanted to talk to us, but we'll get over it! And we're not planning painful retribution to those of you too lazy to write us, either, we promise!

Before we get to those letters, though, here are the rules of the game:

- We reserve the right to butcher, shred, or otherwise edit your letter for length, grammar and spelling. Unless we want to make fun of those problems, in which case you'll get printed exactly as is. How 'bout that?

- We also reserve the right to not print anything we don't like. Whether that be artwork of a grossly explicit nature or pointless flame emails. Please at least try to be appropriate in what you send.

- The format: a letter, followed by a response by either AG or LC, or both of us, or two individual responses, depending on the content of the letter, and the availability/mood of both of us. Does it matter? You write, we respond. It's pretty simple, folks.

- If your name is Jeanne Rubbo, you always get your letter printed.

If all of that sounds good, let's get this show on the road!


A...fanboy's fanboy?
Um, hi.

Anywho, I've got this question that's been nagging me for a while now. I've seen a lot of fangirls portraying the McDohl/Gremio relationship of Genso Suikoden as being rather...um, *blush* well, you know..."naughty." My question is; is it OK for a fanboy like me to see them as _just_ a cooking warrior and his charge? I mean, I can understand why the fangirls would see it as they do, not that I agree with their thinking, since I am a fanboy's fanboy...but anyways...

~Alex Magusaka

Dearest Alex,

Um, hi to you, too.

It's perfectly natural to not see that connection. You're not the only one, I'm sure. You and the other supporters of a Gremio/McDohl platonic relationship all have one thing in common.

You're blind.

Either that, or you were playing the version of Suikoden where Gremio isn't falling all over himself just to "please" his Young Master. Hey, in that version, does Sonya Shulen run off and fall in love with Milich Oppenheimer? It's like Bizarro World.

And AG and I would like to know what a "fanboy's fanboy" is. Trying to figure it out on our own caused a lot of headaches and disgusting mental images.

But, dear Alex, barring your ignorance of completely obvious unrequited lust on the part of Gremio, you're a stand-up guy! After all, you were the first real-life person to send us a letter! Yay for you! So we've made up something special:

You don't have to thank us. Really.

-LC

Everybody loves Auron
Dear Jeanne, Auron's Girl and Lita-chan,

Hello, my name is Barthello, the guardian from Spira! I'm writing you from an Internet sphere in Luca city.

I'm not the smartest man in Spira, but I know one thing: my love for Auron. It makes me really happy to see 3 great ladies that also love him. I've searched so long for people who understand my feelings.

I think about Auron all the time....Lady Dona doesn't understand and is mean to me all the time. I know Auron would never be mean to me. I sometimes think about him when I'm supposed to be helping Lady Dona, then she yells at me. :(

I love this website and Jeanne's RPG recaps. I laugh everytime I read them. My favorite part is when Jeanne says that Auron doesn't want to hang around Tidus. I wouldn't want to hang around with him either.

Jeanne is so pretty in her costumes. It's too bad she is married. I also like Dave Carter's Final Fantasy X cartoon drawings, they make me laugh.

Lady Dona yells at me all the time for not being smart, but then I think of what a great guardian Auron is and it makes me happy again.

I hope Jeanne will do more recaps because I like to read them when I have time to look at the Internet.

I have to go now, Lady Dona is yelling at me to: "GET OFF THAT INTERNET SPHERE, YOU BONEHEAD!" She is so mean, but it is my job to help her.

Here is a Squaresoft publicity photo of me for your website. Thank you for the funny website.

Best Wishes,
-Barthello

Barthello,

Huh?

-LC & AG

Editors' note: Due to the content of the attached image, we have voted to expunge it from the mailbag. It was not suitable for human eyes. And if we receive any further explicit pictures from Mr. Barthello, rest assured that somebody's taking an express trip to the Farplane.

Additional editors' note: Auron is straight and Jeanne is married. And even if they weren't, they wouldn't want a musclebound nitwit who takes orders from a stripper. Dig?

Flattery will get you everywhere
Honorable mistresses of wit,

The creation of a mailbag for such a well-liked site as this one is always a good excuse for celebratin'. So let me join in the spreading of goodwill and generally nice feelings by singing the praises of one of the coolest characters to ever show their faces in a videogame since the days of Magus. I'm talking, of course, about Tidus.

*waits for the shock, disbelief and assorted curses to pass away*

Sadly, the document I was going to place here started acting funny: at first it behaved like some jock, then it grunted and moaned in a wanky way, narrated events like they were told by a future version of itself and finally, it went on and on about how much it hated me. So I deleted it.

Instead, I will talk about that bad-ass ronin who's a sex machine with all the chicks, he who is experienced in the use of large swords, loved by the women, respected by his fellow men, he's...Auron! (Can ya dig it?)

From the moment he is first introduced (not counting the opening credits), we get the impression that Auron is the typical Mysterious Character Who Knows Much Of The Hero's Past?. He manages to make it past that bad stereotype by way of a nice air of badassness, which serves as a counterpoint to Tidus'...Tidusness.

Then we lose track of Auron after he shoves Tidus up Sin's ass. We follow Tidus through the next four to five hours, getting yanked from one place to another, eventually finding some semblance of stability in the form of the Besaid Aurochs and Yuna's pilgrimage. We are also "treated" to Tidus' bumbling, macho posturing, bizarre dreams and lots and lots of voiceover (or Wankese, as Mrs. Rubbo calls it).

So is it really a surprise that the plot starts picking up in Luca? Aside from the conclusion of the Blitzball plotpoint and the introductions of the Yevon maesters (two of 'em), we are subjected to Auron's triumphant return, in which he _still_ has more attack power than Tidus, and does the player a favor by giving Tidus an incentive to follow Yuna on her pilgrimage, by way of a carefully handled plot twist (which prompted Tidus to ask, "My...old man?").

Auron's contributions to the game are plentiful and welcome: he is the one who gives us an unbiased view of Jecht, with none of Tidus' "issues" or Yuna's unfeasible reverence; he is like a tank in battle: strong, tough and...slow (nothing that can't be fixed with Auto-Haste, though); his own secrets, which are strongly hinted halfway through the game, make us appreciate him even more, and shed new light on his "Don't let the past slow us down, make it propel us forward" mentality.

So in conclusion, it's no wonder why Auron is one of the characters most beloved by the fandom, really. Or why so many fangirls lust for him: when the other options include a pot-smoking religious fanatic, an immature wanker, a demi-human, and a pedophile who sounds like Winnie the Pooh, Auron wins hands down, even without any of his commendable traits.

~Quartz Falcon

Dear QF,

I hereby confer on you the "Honorary Auron Fangirl" Award. Your letter starts off on a bad note, praise be to Yevon that the Computer Gods took pity on you, and I didn't have to read some paean to the Wanker King. The heavy sucking up and Auron glomping save you in the end. But I do take issue with some points in your letter.

We are not "subjected" to Auron's return; we celebrate it. We revel in it. I personally squealed like a love struck schoolgirl, which is only to be expected. We are, however, subjected to the constant presence of Wanky McWankerson, Jr. and his poor benighted method-acting love interest. If it hadn't been for Lulu's wonderfully acerbic tongue, I would have slit my wrists in despair two hours into the game the first time.

I also disagree that Auron gave us an unbiased view of Jecht. Auron had plenty to say on the subject of Jecht, but time and distance tempered his initial view. These are points to ponder, my dear, perhaps to be addressed in your next letter.

Love,

AG

QF,

Ah, a sycophant! I love those. I was going to mock you for writing such blatantly obvious things: Auron is cool. Tidus is lame. Come on, honey, we clearly know that already, and we know exactly why, too. BUT, your letter was somewhat well-phrased, ringing of truth (mostly) and, most importantly, so friggin' long, that I can't be mean. I feel all gooshy all of a sudden. Plus, even if you're Captain Obvious, you like Auron, which makes you worthy.

I must take issue, however, with your assertion that Auron does the player a favor in Luca by encouraging Tidus to continue along with Yuna. I think anyone with sense can say that the game would be a lot cooler if Tidus just went home with some random Blitzballers, and we could play through the rest of the game from Auron's POV. Keeping Tidus in the story is the exact opposite of doing us a favor. Not that I fault Auron for it.

And yeah, Auron is smokin' and all, but do you have a problem with FFX's resident demi-human? Kimahri rocks my socks. And Yuna's, too. Come on, you know what I'm saying, here. Don't tell me that Yuna isn't a freak under that demure appearance. I can't blame her. That horn is so hot.

Feel free to write in letters on the subject of my bestiality fetish. Go ahead. I dare you.

-LC


Lastly, in that spirit of Auron-love, we received this kawaii Auron fanart from OokamiWolf:

Mmm. Fanart good. We like. Send more.

Well, we didn't see as many emails as we would have liked for this first column, but we're willing to live with that. Hopefully you people will be a little more forthcoming for next week. *nudge* To encourage said emails, we have a topic for you!

It should be pretty obvious that we think Tidus is a giant wanker. If we didn't, Jeanne probably would have found people with working eyes and ears and common sense to fill this job. *cough* Anyway. With a new FFX recap coming soon, the new T-shirts and the upcoming Wankese contest, we've unfortunately got Tidus on the brain. That's where you good people come in!

So tell us, fans (*shudder*) of Tidus: why isn't he a wanker? We know you sick people exist, we know you take major issue with our judgment of Wanky Overalls, and we want to hear what you have to say. You think Tidus is cool? Tell us why. Cite evidence, and show your work. The more creative your reasoning is, the better. There may be a cookie in it for the winner.

Until next week!

-AG and Lita-chan

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