Recap Retrospective #21
By Quartz Falcon
Let's pretend we haven't heard any of this before. Sometimes it's just easier that way.
Alright, time for another timely instalment of the VGR Retrospective. What do you mean I haven't done this in 2 years? Isn't this still 2007?
The Cold Hard Facts
The Recap: Final Fantasy X: Part 5
Written by: Jeanne Rubbo
Posted on: September 29th, 2002
Days since Last Recap: 57
Days since Last FFX Recap: 71
Size: 66 KB, 9 pages (3 HTML ones)
Accompanying Pictures: 11
Cast Members Introduced: 4 (Mika, Seymour, Biran and Yenke) (Jimma, Bobba and the Al Bhed Psyches Aren't Really Important)
Wankometer: 26 (Wank average: 3 per page)
This recap's heading: "The game of wankers."
What it says on the tin: Tightass repeatedly makes an ass out of himself, causing his team to lose the tournament. Yuna gets kidnapped -- a first for a Final Fantasy heroine -- and her friends have to save her. Most important to the plot, however, is the return of Auron. It's about fricking time.
There are no previouslies because Jeanne chose to address the whole "first recap in nearly two months due to moving" deal instead. Though it may also be because it doesn't matter what happened previously: the Blitzball plotline is nearing its end and gets replaced with more story-relevant plotlines here; that makes the shenanigans brought by Thonga and the Auron Fanboy in the previous hour pointless.
With that out of the way, the recap begins with Jeanne pushing back feminism by letting her man make a funny on her work (The announcer informs us that the blitzball tournament is sponsored by Yevon. That's kind of like saying "The World Series is brought to you by Jesus Christ" (tm John).) and then pointing out some floating symbols of manhood (Whoever was on the Tournament Balloon Design Committee had a brilliant idea. "Hey!" he or she said. "Let's make a bunch of phallic-looking balloons!!" The rest of the committee apparently approved that idea because there are penis-shaped balloons floating all over the city. Tightass immediately feels inadequate.) Go, Patriarchy! Also: PENISES!!
While we wait for the cutscenes to end, the announcers mention Maester Mika, who is also introduced in this recap, and the participating Blitzball teams… the ones we already knew about, anyway. Jeanne gets to play dumb and along here, though she draws the line when the announcers start gushing about the home team (I just summed up in one sentence what took about a minute for the announcers to say. Cripes.).
Of course, it's not Final Fantasy
VIII X unless Tidus wanks (It's already been almost three minutes since he last made an ass out of himself. Statistically, it's time for that to happen again.), which he does by combining Cait Sith's megaphone with Rinoa's climbing of crates to trash talk the Goers. Granted, he's not riding a giant Moogle, nor is he taking an eternity climbing each individual crate, but that's because the worst FF hero is still better than the worst FF heroine and the worst FF comic relief put together. That still doesn't change the fact that he just jinxed his team (Only one thing can happen now: Tightass must lose the tournament. For the sake of everyone in Spira, and this world as well, he must lose.)
The people of Luca are apparently as unflappable as the citizens of Muse, because they go right back to their business after this spectacle, instead of actively avoiding the freaky bleached guy.
We then witness Maester Mika's arrival, but not before first being introduced to those freaky playback-friendly musicians and the Original VGR Pedophile (no, not Sam). I don't know whether to campaign for a drastic reduction in Tetsuya Nomura's crack intake based on Seymour's freaky character design (which Jeanne describes in disturbing -- and disturbed -- detail), or to applaud him for designing such an obvious villain without falling into the usual clichés of silver hair, black clothes or assorted phallic weapons. It's said creepy design, compounded by his treacly voice, which gives him a very pedophilic vibe; Yuna being of the age of consent in Japan doesn't change this at all (particularly when she's mentally five).
After a lengthy tutorial on Blitzball (though I agree with Jeanne that it's still better than making you figure it out by yourself), Yuna enters the lockers to invite Tidus to a spirited game of Where On Luca Is Auron Sandiego (Hmm....blitzball or Auron, blitzball or Auron....such a tough choice. Surprisingly, Tightass makes the right decision. Holy crap, is somebody taping this?). This is followed by yet another disturbing scene:
"Hey Wakka. You're stiff, man," Tightass says, walking over to him. "No, no, not your face," he continues, removing any doubt as to what he's talking about. Tightass tells him to just breathe and Wakka does a few slow pelvic thrusts and I curl up in a fetal position, clawing my eyes out and asking God why He has forsaken me. Lulu and Yuna watch the men that the script has chosen for them, and realize once again that becoming lesbian lovers is the best decision they've ever made.
One foreshadowing scene with the Al Bhed Psyches and two Moments with Tidus and Yuna (one of which rips off the Promise from FFVIII) later, they get to the local café, where they don't find Auron at all. Unfortunately, these two gumshoes won't be finding clues any time soon.
|So... where is Auron Sandiego?
Because Yuna gets kidnapped while Tidus is distracted by Ronso package. This, of course, leads to a rescue segment which is interspersed with scenes from a blitzball game for added "tension".
But anyway, Tidus and the non-blitzball-playing guardians rescue Yuna, they make it to the finals, and Auron makes an appearance just to see the Aurochs lose the game horribly while Tidus gets basically booed off the stage. This, of course, neatly coincides with a fiend attack on the stadium, which is the perfect setting to properly introduce (read: give a gratuitous FMV to) Auron and his well-shaven armpits. (He faces off against a big ugly lizard creature and dramatically thrusts his left arm out of his robe, revealing that even with his busy schedule, he still manages to find time to shave under his arms. Even guardians have to stay silky smooth while they're fighting Sin.)
Incidentally, I love how they made this big FMV spectacle to set up an Auron/lizard-thing fight that is over with one sword thrust. Of course, since Auron is the most popular character in the game, and rightly so, we let it slide.
Oh, and Seymour summons his undead mom. That's important too, right?
Tightass does something no straight man would ever do when Yuna and Lulu are practically making out right in front of him -- he walks away.