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"While Little Master reflects some more, his spaceship comes to fetch him. I'm sure you guys are cackling to yourselves right now, 'Oh boy oh boy, now she's going to talk about how the Durandal is a big ol' penis!' And it is, don't get me wrong. But simply pointing at my monitor and shouting 'Penis!'--which is what I usually do--just doesn't do the thing justice. It is the King of Cocks, the Sultan of Schlongs, the Emperor of Erections. Describing it, frankly, takes the kind of poetic prowess I'm not sure I have."
     -Sam, Xenosaga Part 8

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Wind Wanker Retrospective
By Quartz Falcon
Posted 08.29.06
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4
Fandom's Corner

See what VGR readers have to say!

Wind Wanker: The Musical
by Danny Kelly a.k.a. Chiponyasu

We open to a library, where a very British man (not a 12-year-old gay homosexual. Just a regular British dude) sits smoking a pipe.

Narrator: It's a little known fact, that the Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker, was originally a musical. It seems the makers of Buffy the Vampire Slayer sued Nintendo for simply rewriting the lyrics from their musical episode and passing them off as their own songs. In the interest of educating the American populace, we bring you these deleted scenes, which offer a great insight onto the motivations of our hero.

Scene 1

Twink marches through Outset Island, seeking the girl that fell from the Helmaroc Queen's Mouth

(To the tune of "Going through the Motions" by Joss Whedon)

Every single night, the same old buttsex.
Strugeon, Orca, Abe and Pig.
Still I always feel, we could use objects
Right now it's about as fun as some trig.

I've been poppin' bones when I get blown
While fearing that they've known
That I'm just making thrusting motions
Trying to show class.
Nothing really feels good in my heeeeaaarrrt.

I was always cute, so young and nubile
God I could screw anything.
Playing with a flute, it all seems futile.
Makes we wanna sing.

You've got a nice thing.

Twink pats himself

Thanks for noticing.

He is really swell, he doth excel
But even we can tell
That he's just making thrusting motions. (Making thrusting motions)
Love life lacks that pow.

Twink kills them all with a spin attack

He's not even half as good as...owwww Dies

We life be this way forever?
From this island I must sever

Twink saves Tetra

Wow your clothes are gay-

I don't wanna beeeeeeee
Making thrusting motions
Losing my sex drive.
I can't even see.
Oh gods please hear my plea.
Oh, I just wanna be

Scene 2.

Twink enters Windfall Island for the first time.

(To the tune of "I've got a theory" by Joss Whedon)

I'm the most queery.
Cause I'm a demon.
A dancing demon.
And I can move the sun, yeah.

I'm the most queery
Cause I'm a seaman.
That means a sailor, get ya minds outta the gutta.

I'm the most queery, what'chu on abooooout?

You guys are eerie.
What's this cheery "gay" thing? You're a looooout!

You're all my bitches! I say you're bitches.

All the non-loser men glare at Kamo

Which is ridiculous cause you guys are all big and strong and cool and awesome I'm a loser please don't hurt me I'll be over here.

Doc Bandum
I'm the most queery.
I've got three tummies.

Everyone stares at Bandum

I'm the most-

Doc Bandum
Tummies aren't good and love like everyone believes in!
They are where babies live and midgets are conceived in!
And what's with belly buttons?
Why did Zora evolve into birds anywaaaaaaaay?
Tummies! Tummies! I hate those Tummies!

Everyone stares at Bandum

Doc Bandum
I'm so high right now.

I'm the most queery, I've got strength to last.
Because I clearly prefer myself with the man ass!

I'm the most queery-

It doesn't matteeeeeer!
We're all so gay, let's be together!
We're all so fey, I like it better.
BS&M? We've all been there.
Let's try new tricks. Down in my lair.

All (Except the women)
We're all so gay, we like the man pit!
We'll last it out, more than a minute.
We're gonna try, with a device!
It's do or die.

Don't ask me twice!

We're all so gay, let's be together! (We're all so gaaaaaay!)
We're all so fey, it's so much better.
There's nothing else more gay

Doc Bandum
Except for tummies...

Narrator: And so, Twink found love on Windfall. Although surrounded by wonderful men, he settled down with the pictogropher, Lenzo. It was love. But one day, Twink came in, looking solemn.

Scene 3

"New love"
(To the tune of "I'm under your spell" by Joss Whedon)

I'll always love you Lenzo
Always washing my face.
It really brings me zen, so
I figure this is my fate.

Now I'm drawn to him
Working out at the gym.
I'm under a spell
How else can it be?
Unless maybe I'm slutty?

It's Tingle, what the hell?
He charges a fee.
But turns me on so easily.

He lives in a huge penis.
Tip is shaped just like his head.
It's free of most diseases.
So I won't find myself dead.

And his spandex shows
Everything you need to know
I'm under a spell
Makes me wanna screw
I'm sorry, it isn't you.

We get along so well.
But, Lenzo, I knew.
Everything I want is true.

He makes me complete!
With the motion of the tide.
I can feel him inside!

I'm under a spell
Sailing round the sea.
Wanting him so helplessly
We love with every sell
Lost in ecstasy
Spread beneath my Tingle's tree.
He makes me complete
He makes me complete
He makes me com-

Narrator: That was as far as Twink got, before Lenzo broke into tears. No breakup is easy. And Twink's lacked tact. But tragedy struck further. The evil Ganon, called the Dorf, kidnapped Princess Zelda. Twink didn't mind, but Ganon then kidnapped Tingle, as part of his grand evil scheme to rid the world of fabulousness. Twink seeked aid from the people of Windfall, but they would not help him fight Ganon. So, Twink went alone.

Scene 4

"Rescue the Flamer"
(To the tune of "Walk through the Fire" by Joss Whedon)

Twink walks through Ganon's Tower. Ganon(dorf) is at the top. Lenzo is in his room. Sean Connery and the Windfallians are at Windfall. Their songs interlace, but they are not in the same place or aware of each other. It just happened like that naturally.

I touch the flamer and he winks at me.
I giggle softly. Fade to black.
Won't let him steal-
Ganondorf broke the seal!
I'm sending Ganon back!

Through the sparkles he calls to me.
"Koolah Limpa" does he flame.
That means he's gay.
Or maybe "Christmas Day"
God damn I hate this game.

But I will
Rescue the flamer
And Ganon I will blast.
I will rescue the flamer
And take it-

I love the boy, he toys with me.
But I'll just make do without.
I hope he chokes.
Hope he goes up in smoke.
I better save my scout.

Cause he will rescue the flamer.
Some people

He will not surpass.
And he will rescue the flamer.
And take it-

Sean Connery
Will Twink even think to freight her?
Should I have found someone straighter?
Is my hero forgetting his job?

What if Twink just can't beat Ganon?

My bombs kick ass, my name's Cannon!
I'll deign to let you polish my knob

We'll save our friend!
And we will be there in the end!
So we will rescue the flamer!

So one my one, they turn away.
I guess my "friends" ain't all they say. (We're all so gay)
What's with these clothes?
Not one among them knows. (Let's be together)
And I will make them pay.

We'll save the day and the flamer.

What a useless friggin' lamer

Everyone is looking way downbeat.

I was cuter when in my prime

Right here Chip can't find me a rhyme.

Sean Connery
Twink makes me so complete.

These useless gays

He will cooooome

Just wandering in a daze

To meeeeeeeee!

All except Ganon
And we will rescue the flamer!
We're going to show class
So we will rescue the flamer
Take it in the aaaaaaaassss
In the aaaaaaasssss
In the aaaaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaa-aa-ass!

Narrator: But what happened next, no one expected. A portal from another dimension open in Ganon's tower, and two recappers stepped forth. But that is a story for another day...

Wind Wanker images
by Kuriboh
(Click for full-sized image)

Wind Wanker Wind Wanker

[Editor's Note: Due to technical difficulties, all other submissions to QF were lost. If you would like for your submission to be included here, please resend it to with "Wind Wanker Retrospective" in the subject line. Thanks!]

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