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"Punk's mom freaks out that she'd heard he was to be executed, but then the mood elevators kick in and she dismisses the Trio with a friendly, 'Don't get into trouble, now!' Punk is totally feeling the love. I'm totally feeling that I'll never get the past five minutes of my life back. No wonder his dad split."
     -Ryan, Chrono Trigger Part 3




Absoludicrous.net
Alterra



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The Adventures of LC and AG Part 6
By Danny Kelly
Posted 04.13.06
Pg. 1
Gays. The final frontier. These are the voyages of Auron's Girl and Lita-chan. Their continuing mission: To explore videogame worlds. To seek out gay life, and fabulous civilizations. To boldly go where no recapper has gone before.

Auron's Girl and Lita-Chan in
The Power to Wank

We open in Space! But we can't breathe, so we quickly cut to the inside of a passing spaceship, the Durandal, where a hole is being ripped into the very fabric of time and space. From this hole step out Auron's Girl and Lita-chan, defenders of snark and alcohol.

Lita-chan: Now to find Jailbait.

Auron's Girl: After we kill Shion and recruit Matthews and Gaignun to the army of fabulous guys.

Lita-chan: Our lives are cool.

Auron's Girl: Agreed.

Mysterious girly voice: If you want the boy, you'll have to go through me!

AG and LC turn towards the voice.

Auron's Girl: What?!

Lita-chan: You?!

Michael Jackson: Yes. Me.

Penis
To the tune of "Beat It", also by Michael Jackson

They told him he was small and although he was queer.
It's statutory rape, and jailtime they did fear.
The tears were in his eyes, till he got the world's premier
Space penis. Space penis.

The Durandal: It was his master plan.
He saved his money up, invested in Iran
He wanted a big one with the world's biggest span.
Space penis. Now he's fucking huge!

Space penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!
None of them could have foreseen this!
It's a banana! It's a whole bunch!
Takes other wangs and eats them for lunch!
Space penis! (Penis!)
Space penis! (Penis!)
Space penis! (Penis!)
Space penis! (Penis!)

Ooh!

Rammin' U-GEE ships, that's his main battle plan!
Don't wanna be a boy, he wants to be a man!
His penis is so huge, and it's big in Japan!
His penis. Space penis.

Other penises, man they don't have a prayer!
The only problem is, all of that pubic hair.
We stroke it and we beat it, it's a whole new Red Scare!
Space penis. Now he's fucking huge!

Space penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!
We know who the biggest queen is!
Show em hot lovin'! Long and erect!
It's to all others, like Auron's to Jecht!

Space penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!
It's what defines what obscene is!
It's so amazing! You'll faint at the sight!
Even in Shion, this baby feels tight!
Space penis penis penis penis penis
Penis penis penis
Penis penis penis
Penis penis penis
Penis penis penis

Space penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!
Obligatory rhyme with Genis!
It overpowers even chaos!
It shows that poser just who's the boss!

Space penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!
Please tell me where the latrine is!
It's a John Thomas! It's a big cock!
Where will we find a big enough sock?

Space penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!
It's even hotter than Venus!
It's an erection, flying though space
Gets its ejection all over the place!

Michael Jackson: You want the boy? You gonna die, now!

Lita-chan lazily tosses a grenade, which explodes and sets Jacko's hair on fire. Screaming, he jumps out the window. Since the window leads to space, he promptly dies.

Lita-chan: Dibs on Shion.

Auron's Girl: Hmph. I'll take whitey.

And so they go their seperate ways. Before long...

Shion: My ancestors were in charge of keeping track where the Earth was!

Lita-chan: You mean the place now called "Lost Jerusalem"?

Shion: Yep

Lita-chan: Since no one can find it?

Shion: Mystery.

Lita-chan: How does that prove your ancestors were smart?

Shion: Well, they clearly said it was in space.

Meanwhile, elsewhere

Albedo: I am not a pedophile!

Auron's Girl: The evidence is damning. We found candy.

Albedo: I like candy!

Auron's Girl: Small, torn dresses.

Albedo: And beating up mannequins.

Auron's Girl: Little-girl-shaped robots.

Albedo: I didn't design 'em.

Auron's Girl: A "Songs to Molest Little Girls To" CD.

Albedo: I have a secret love of boy-bands.

Auron's Girl: And a Powerpoint slideshow called "Little girls I, Albedo, molested. By Albedo".

Albedo: Um....That's Albedo Jones down the street?

AG decapitates Albedo.

Auron's Girl: There. Now to-

Albedo's head regenerates

Auron's Girl: Cut his head off again.

Meanwhile still! KOS-MOS, who Allen in his comparative competance had the foresight to call, runs through the Durandal's long hallways. She comes across a blue holographic projection pod, in which the blue image of a short, fat, bearded, Santa Clausy man appears.

Hologram: KOS-MOS, I gave you the power to choose right from wrong.

KOS-MOS: Identify.

Hologram: My name is Thomas Light. PhD.

KOS-MOS: What is your purpose?

Dr. Light: I built you. That's why the game starts in 20XX, since that's when I made Mega Man and my other robots.

KOS-MOS: I was only activated 2 years ago.

Dr. Light: I made robots shaped like little children. Since everyone accused me of being a pedophile, I built a sexy woman robot designed to have sex with its master whenever asked. Since I actually AM a pedophile, I set it up so I'd have to put you in a phallic pod for 4,000 years or else you'd kill everyone. Kevin awoke you 3,998 years later, to the detriment of his life.

KOS-MOS: That explains why Shion is always surprised at my programming.

Meanwhile

Shion: Oh my God, the sun is on fire!

Lita-chan: Stay still!

Shion: What are you doing! That knife could've hit me!

Back at the holo-pod

KOS-MOS: Well, it explains why the competent, if wanky, Allen is also surprised.

Meanwhile

Allen: Okay, this time, I'm totally going to ask Shion out.

Back at the pod.

KOS-MOS: Hm.

Dr. Light: It's clear. You bear all the hallmarks of my design. Your arm turns into a cannon. You have a weapon called X-BUSTER. You're blue. All this time, you believed Shion to be your creator, and have engaged in kinky sex at her whim. That, however is wrong. I need you to kill, KOS-MOS. I need you to kill Shion. She's protected by a death-avoidance field.

Back where Shion is

Lita-chan: Okay. So knives don't work. I guess I won't get to see Shion die slowly. I can live with that.

Lita-chan throws a grenade and Shion. The grenade beeps, and nothing happens.

Lita-chan: A dud? That's the last time I buy discount bombs. Damn Gnosis and their non-money-dropping ways.

While Lita-chan struggles. AG has troubles of her own.

Auron's Girl: Seventy-ninth time's the charm.

Albedo: Ahahahahaha! Don't you see? I regenerate.

Auron's Girl: Doesn't that mean all these heads should be growing bodies?

With a flash, there are 78 Albedos in the room.

Auron's Girl: I hate myself sometimes.

Albedo Prime: Ahahahaha! Now what're you going to do?

AG thinks.

Auron's Girl: Hey look! A Kirschwasser!

The Albedos turn to see that there is, indeed, a little girl robot.

Auron's Girl: But there's only one!

The Albedos glare at each other.

Auron's Girl: I'll let you work that out amongst yourselves.

AG runs out of the basement of the Song of Nephilim (!) while an Albedo is blown into small parts by a fireball. She takes the elevator up. Beneath, the exploded Albedo parts are growing into new Albedos. Already there are several hundred. AG escapes to the Elsa, and closes the door behind her.

Hammer: Millions of Albedos! We're all going to die!

AG considers decapitating him, but her decapitating arm is tired. And also, someone has to navigate the damn ship.

Auron's Girl: Don't worry. This is all part of my grand plan.

Inside the Song, Albedos are packed throughout like sardines. Nearly every inch of the Song has some Albedo in it. Unfortunately for him, the Song of Nephilim is an airtight spaceship, so they all suffocate. The Kirschwasser, a realian who doesn't need to breathe, survives unmolested. Though probably scarred for life. Not that AG cared, being a mean and evil childfree person.

Shion: What are all these round things?

Shion looks down at the dud grenades, scattered amongst knives, throwing stars, nunchaku (repelled by Shion's Suefield), Wooden Stakes, A cow with a plank in it (Wood in steak), a machine gun, a spear, a jackhammer, a wooden mallet, and a lightsaber.

Lita-chan: Hey, whore! Here comes-

Lita-chan holds up her stolen Rocket Launcher.

Lita-chan: The money shot!

LC fires, but the rocket explodes a half-second too soon, leaving Shion unharmed.

Lita-chan: What the FUCK. I had a dramatic quip and everything!

KOS-MOS enters. Ignoring Lita-chan (and Allen, but everyone ignores Allen.) She walks over to Shion, and opens up her tummy vagina.

Shion: Oh, KOS-MOS! What's th-

KOS-MOS uses X-CLITORIS, sucking Shion into her fusion generator to spend the rest of enternity in agony beyond words as her very soul is constantly broken apart and rearranged. Then KOS-MOS leaves.

Lita-chan: Wow. Don't I look uncool. Ah well.

Lita-chan runs up to where Jr. is, for purposes best left unrevealed.

On the Elsa, Matthews and Tony rode back to Jowston on chaos's wang, which doubles as an interdimensional transport. Hammer navigated the ship back to the Durandal, and AG decapitated him. KOS-MOS, while bad-ass, was an icky girl and had to be left behind, along with Mary, Shelly, and the other females. Jr was sent to Jowston after several hours with Lita-chan involving inventive uses for pistols. Gaignun went too.

Agent Andrews, from the end of our last chapter, had been distracted by the weightlifting contest in the foundation, and forgot to go get our heroines. And thus, with every single character accounted for, we leave this world, and move on to the next.

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