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"Linkolas promises Sylvina that he'll return. 'I'll never make you feel sad again,' he wanks, like he isn't going to be in Gremio's bedroll two minutes after leaving the village."
     -Jeanne, Suikoden Part 5




Absoludicrous.net
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The Adventures of LC and AG Part 5
By Danny Kelly
Posted 12.20.05
Pg. 1
Sam: (Where am I? Did I...die? Is this what death is? Angsty monologues? This sucks.)

Sam wakes up on a hospital bed in a castle, and looks around for a moment before jumping up, and immediately lying down, clutching his head in pain.

Dr. Huan: Easy, now. You're still hurt.

Sam: Am I...in Jowston? What happened?

Dr. Huan: It's a long story. Tea?

Sam: What happened to AG and Squall?

Dr. Huan: They didn't get injured.

Sam:......Fuck you.

Later, in the main hall, Sam, Kelly, and Squall sit in the front row with Barry and Shu, the rest of the (male, obviously) Hoyay Soldiers filling the stands.

Leknaat: I believe it is time to tell you what you are facing. As you already know, there are two fundamental forces in the world: Wankiness and Homosexuality.

Kelly: If we already know, why are you telling us?

The Exposition Wizard whacks Kelly on the head with his Pointy Staff of Doom as punishment for that insolence.

Leknaat: These two forces cancel each other out. In order to fight a wanker, you need a gay guy. Since you are homosexuals, and British, you can beat wankers. However, this new foe has apparently managed to extract the sheer evil energy of wankers like Tidus, and transfer it into people who are actually competent.

Sam: Dear God!

Squall: Then defeating them is absolutely impossible!

SCREEEEEEEEEEEECH

They all turn around. In the back, Magus sits in front of a chalkboard with a cartoon image of a shark eating a stick-figure Tidus.

Magus: You all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'm the wizard. I deal with "impossible" things every day. They said it was impossible for Orca to know the Hurricane Spin, but I did that. They said it was impossible for Queen Leene to be found and brought to the castle instantly, but I did that. They said it was impossible for someone so obviously gay as Squally to kiss Rinoa at the end of the game. That was totally fucking Crowley. My point, is that just because something is "impossible", doesn't mean it can't be done.

Leknaat: I fear a battle is approaching. A final battle between the wankers and the gays. Auron's Girl. Lita-chan. Your mission has become that much more urgent. You must kill the wankers and Sues of the various worlds before our enemy can steal them away. You are also tasked with a new mission: Find and recruit all the gay heroes you can.

Shu: And we will lend our aid!

Lita-chan: (Yes!)

Leknaat: No, you shall not.

Lita-chan: What? Why not?

Leknaat: Our men must train. They must become even gayer. We need all the men for that. They need to be trained to fight, so we need all the competent women. You can have Millie, I guess.

Lita-chan: ...No.

Leknaat: I have already dispatched Viki to get Seifer, who will train with us.

Squally: Seifer!?!

Leknaat: Yes. You and he shall train as well.

The soldiers train, in the arts of the sword and penis, in ways that I'm probably best off not describing in much detail. Use your imagination. Therefore, the montage takes place over a field of flowers, as the training songs play...

Theme from "Ricky"
To the tune of "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor

Fabulous! These guys are gay!
And they go shop at Macy's.
Went the distance, now I'm beating my meat.
Just the man, cause he don't need a beard!

So many times, it happens too fast
You shoot your semen too early
Don't lose your grip on the penis or ass
You must fight just to keep them aroused

'Cause they don't like vagina, it's the penis they like
Risin' up to the offer of their rivals
Stay away from vagina, it smells funny a'ight.
Barry's watchin' us all in one eye of the monster!

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' loose, stayin' horny
They give 'im drugs, 'til he's hung like a horse!
It's the pill, that we will buy online!

'Cause they don't like vagina, it's the penis they like
Risin' up to the offer of their rivals
Stay away from vagina, it smells funny a'ight.
Barry's watchin' us all in one eye of the monster!

Risin' up, long straight and hard
In the butt, with the tonfa!
Hit orgasm, but I'm not gonna stop
Just the man, cause he don't need a beard!

'Cause they don't like vagina, it's the penis they like
Risin' up to the offer of their rivals
Stay away from vagina, it smells funny a'ight.
Barry's watchin' us all in one eye of the monster!

The eye of the monster (repeats out)...

And so, Lita-chan and Auron's Girl, left to the next world, to begin their mission. From an overlying hill, three men, dressed as FBI agents, stood and watched.

Agent Anderson: They got away.

Agent Zoro: It does not matter. The informant was sound.

Agent Anderson: We'll need to conduct a search.

Agent Cyrano: It has already begun.

What world will our heros visit next! Who is their foe, really? Who are these strange "agents", and who do they work for? Find out next time, in...

The Adventures of Auron's Girl and Lita-chan!

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