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"This villain is Oogie Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas. He sticks out like a sore thumb among all these real Disney villains, but I'd much rather have him than, say, Gaston and his ass-chin."
     -Sam, Kingdom Hearts Part 3

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Durandal Poetry Contest Results
Posted 05.24.05
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
And finally, we announce the results of the first ever Durandal Poetry Contest! Sorry it took so long, but I wanted it to coincide with the new Xenosaga recap, and if you read it you can probably understand why it took as long as it did.

Anyway, the winner. It really was a hard call, because all the poems you guys sent in were great...up until this masterpiece arrived in my inbox. Not to disparage the rest of the field, but this poem is so epic, so...PENIS!...that once I read it there was no doubt about the winner. I even decided to offer a second place prize, which I'll get to in a minute. The first prize winner, and claimer of the KOS-MOS wallscroll, is Danny Kelly, aka Chiponyasu, for the following piece of poetic brilliance, entitled "The Battle of the Wang":

There is a saying by which nations are led
There is a message that is often said
From the poor recapper, to the wealthy banker
"Zanarkand's Tidus is the world's biggest wanker!"

Across the galaxy the message, it ambled
But over the light years it got a bit scrambled
It was, by the time it reached poor Rubedo's star
"Zanarkand's Tidus has the world's biggest wang car!"

And when it reached Jr., it caused such a scandal
That anything be wangier than the Durandal
Some called it a spaceship, which merits correction
Jr.'s Durandal was a flying erection

Jr.'s honor was tarnished, he felt his heart pang
The Durandal, he felt, was the world's greatest wang
It was long straight and hard, and flew as a loner
Floating though space, solitary boner

The Durandal was the greatest wang of the era
So Jr. decided to set out for Spira
To go on a battle, to revive his soul
I tell of this in poem, to win a wall scroll

Jr. would need troops to go on with his war
So he allied himself with the guado, Seymour.
Seymour swore to rally up his battalions
And took off with some hundred-series Realians

The search was commenced, and the results were shining
They quickly found Tidus in the corner, whining.
They brought him to Jr., threw him in the orchard
Just for the hell of it, Jr. had him tortured

Jr. asked for the car. Tidus was confused
Jr. got angry. He wasn't amused.
For Tidus to explain, of him would show class
But Tidus, we all know, is a dumbass.

For Jr. asked to hear his wangy plan
"Whatever," said Tidus "I hate my old man!"
Annoyed by the wanking, Jr. had him muted
Then he decided Tidus be executed

Though this could have been done by sword or by gun
Jr. decided to have him some fun
He would show off his wang's mighty powers
By blowing up Tidus with the golden showers

So as to show up all other pickles
Jr. brought up the Durandal's testicles
His poor ship was horny, this Jr. knew
Its testicles were sweet ocean blue

Jr. rubbed his ship's balls, whispered in its ear
But what happened next is every man's fear
It didn't perform. Durandal was booed.
But seeing that wanker just ruined the mood

Fearing embarrassment and Spiran scorn
Jr. broke out all of his gay porn.
It didn't work, Jr. was not jolly.
But out of the blue, who should come but Squally!

"I took care of Rinoa, just had to knife her
Now I live my fantasy with Seifer
But before he could get within miles of my bum
I heard you call to me, you need help to come."

So Squally healed it. What did he do?
He told it about the start of disk two.
Durandal was turned on, and it shot with glee
Tidus's ashes were buried at sea.

There was much rejoicing, everyone cheered.
The wanker was dead, the poem's end neared
Victory for gays, a win for the homo
(Although, thanks to Seymour, it sucked to be MOMO)

With a smile and a wave, Jr. went home
The Durandal raised over the sphere dome
And Jr. returned, chipper and dapper
Into the arms of his favorite recapper.

Yeah, never let it be said that I can't be swayed by people writing poems in which I get with Jr. Shut up.

Okay, so second place. Like I said, Danny's poem was so boss that I felt the rest of you were getting screwed over a little. Before I was wowed by the above, I thought O. Hakubi's delightful song of schlong, "Ode to the Durandal," was very fabulous. Here it is, winner of second place and choice of either a $10 gift certificate to or the iTunes music store.

O Durandal! Great Durandal!
Kukai's flagship in space
Your hull is long and firm
Though your commander is very small

O Durandal! Great Durandal!
Fire your massive cannon
When Jr. places his hands
On your large and glowing balls

O Durandal! Great Durandal!
Penetrate the enemy ship
Use your massive shaft
And let the little men stream out

O Durandal! Great Durandal!
Breaking through defenses
Thrusting to the core
And ignoring all protection

O Durandal! Great Durandal!
When your men are spent
You make your port au call
Within the Kukai womb

O Durandal! Great Durandal!
Jr. wishes he was you
For young MOMO likes to ride you
For hours at a time

There they are! Congratulations to our two winners! Please email me at to claim your prizes.

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