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"Frodo and Samwise have a short conversation about encountering 'Curly Snails' out in the Grasslands, and whether Frodo has a sword to defend himself from the assuredly penis-like monsters. When he admits his sword is really crappy, Samwise chirps, 'No matter. My sword will protect us both.' Except she has a spear. Good one, writers."
     -Sam, Suikoden III Part 7




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Wankese 101 Contest Results
Posted 11.13.02
Pg. 1 : 2
Here is Quartz Falcon's winning entry, along with mp3s of all the voiceovers.

1) I thought back to the first time Auron kicked my ass. I was really young at the time, and I didn't understand why some random guy would kick little kids around like they were blitzballs for fun. It turned out he knew my old man, but at the time I thought they must have been gay lovers or something. I was surprised to find out that they had actually been drinking buddies. And here I was, playing "kick the wanker" with Auron, just like my old man had so many times threatened to do. Life is strange. I think that was the first time I really did a wank-over. I have Auron to thank for that.
<<Listen (713KB)>>

2) It was right before the big game. I think we were all a little high, especially Wakka. He kept giving us head, even though I didn't have to take it. After all, I was the star player of the Zanarkand Abes. I noticed that the other guys were wiping their sweat on Wakka's fruity hair lock. As I looked around at them, I realized that I was a bit jealous that I didn't get to have people clean themselves on my hair, too. In Spira, my bleached hairstyle was made fun of a lot and that made me hate my old man for no good reason whatsoever. At that moment, the other Aurochs all turned to me, as if expecting me to do my duties as the resident team bitch. I had to make up an excuse, because I hadn't been milking the Sin's Toxin alibi for all it's worth lately. I put on the cheerleader costume about five minutes later anyway, and I even gave a few personal performances, particularly to Keepa, whose magic hands would charge up the pompoms. I think I was truly high at that moment, more so than I had been since I first met Wakka.
<<Listen (1.4MB)>>

3) I didn't tell anyone this, but when I first came to Spira, I had a difficult time choosing between Yuna, Wakka, and Lulu. They were all so hot and desirable in different ways. But as time went on, it became easier for me to see who I should be with. At first, I thought Yuna might be the one -- any idiot game designer would want to pair me up with her. Then I realized that Yuna was already in love with Lulu. I wasn't about to get in the middle of that, so I turned my hormonal overdrive to Wakka. He seemed to like having me "playing for his team", but his addiction to the blitzbong kept getting in the way of our relationship. Then, when Rikku returned to my story, I realized that I liked her perky assets. Actually, I had really missed that ever-present caboose since we had gotten separated by way of Sin. Unfortunately, Rikku seemed more interested in committing incest than in getting it on with me, so that soon fizzled out. That's why I ended up sucking up to Seymour. Even though we got off on a rough start and even though he's like, dead, there was no denying that we loved each other. I like to think it was because of my youthful charm.
<<Listen (1.5MB)>>

4) I never wanted to believe that Soylent Green was made of people. In fact, the first time I heard that was when I had just trespassed that fire temple on top of a jungle. I knew I shouldn't take Yuna's bait and scream, but I couldn't help myself. As I embarrassed her in front of all of her groupies, I realized that she never wanted my manly manliness. To her, I was just a wanker. Sure, that's what they always say at first, but I wanted her to fall madly in love with me and make sweet love to me, especially in her ceremonial garb. Now that I look back on it, I realize that I was just thinking with my pants. I realize that I do that a lot.
<<Listen (1.3MB)>>

5) Back in Zanarkand, I was used to being "appeased" by a lot of people. But ever since I arrived in Spira, it seemed like I did nothing but "appease" myself. It was weird to be courting around instead of being courted, but I soon got used to it. Some of the most humbling moments of my time in Spira happened when I first met the worshippers of Yevon. Everyone was so irritated at he fact that I knew nothing about their way of life, and I had to keep lying my ass out that it was the me in my mind that made me screw with everything. I also made an ass out of myself when I grabbed that poor schlep from behind and rhythmically humped the guy's neck that time on the boat to Kilika....and then got whacked by my old man's tail. I was especially embarrassed when I found out about that time that Auron caught me spanking the monkey. But the most humiliating part of all was when I realized that everyone in the whole world knew all about the fate of Yuna....except for me. I wanted to go home.
<<Listen (1.5MB)>>

Alternate wedding plans
1) "I didn't know back then what Rikku and Lulu saw in me in order to pick me as Yuna's stand-in, but to tell you the truth, I liked getting dressed like a lady."
<<Listen (346KB)>>
Cloister trial hilarity
2) "That was the first time I had seen Kimahri laugh. That was also the first time anyone laughed at my old 'balls' trick... I wonder why? He said something about 'first time he saw me having cojones' between laugh and laugh..."
<<Listen (414KB)>>
Uh-oh
3) "I was too drunk at the time to know it, or to even care about it, but I was about to receive the whooping of a lifetime."
<<Listen (265KB)>>
Yipes!
4) "I can't remember well what happened that day... the pitfalls of being on a hormonal drive... but I swear that I could see her nipples, and they were as hard as my.." "JOHNSON!" "Why does everyone call me that? I have a name! I just can't remember it..."
<<Listen (452KB)>>
My old man?
5) "I couldn't believe this... Yuna's father and... my... old man...? Doing.. the horizontal mambo? The.. funky fox trot? And... what was Auron doing while my old man fucked Braska like an animal? Why... am I... talking like... Yuna? KHAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!"
<<Listen (668KB)>>
Piss off Auron.
Bonus) "Are we there yet? Huh? Are we there yet? How much farther 'til Zanarkand? Why won't Yuna pay attention to me? Why won't Wakka let me 'have some'? Why doesn't anyone like me? Huh? Is it because of Jecht? 'Cause, you know, I hate him! I hate my old man! Just thinking of him makes me want to hump something! That's what I'll do to the next fiend we randomly encounter! You just watch and weep, old geezer!"
<<Listen (600KB)>>

Thanks to everyone who entered! Thanks again to Dave Carter for the contest art, ideas, and the Tidus wall clock!

QF, please e-mail contest@videogamerecaps.com to claim your prize. :)

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