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"Twink and Makar get to the tablet and play their little love song. They're like Captain and Tennille. And I'm not even going to figure out which one of them gets to be Tennille."
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04.27.14

Kingdom Hearts Part 16

The final Kingdom Hearts recap is up! Congratulations to Sam for finishing yet another game!

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Posted by Jeanne

31 Responses to “Kingdom Hearts Part 16”

  1. Xyrafhoan Says:

    It’s always a great milestone to see another complete recap on this site! Congrats to Sam, though I’m honestly surprised she’s still standing after polishing off Xenosaga, Ace Attorney, AND Kingdom Hearts in what feels like a very short amount of time for a recapper. What is that, like, two years?

    …I kid. But with regards to the new recap, Sam the Wordsmiths’s descriptions are amazing and I just have to quote her here:

    “Okay, it goes without saying that Billy Zane’s final transformation was hardly going to be something as mundane as his body with a Heartless glued to it. This is Square and shit was inevitably going to get crazy. But even so, this is something. You know those toy vacuum cleaners with the big pop-o-matic bubble full of plastic balls? Well, what if we gave one of those a jutting hoopty hood, like El Celsioso, covered the entire thing in red, muscular flesh, gave the hood a demonic face with a bad underbite, and plugged the whole thing via multiple umbilical cords of DAAAAAARKNESS into Billy Zane’s asshole? Are we there? Does this look stupid enough to be a final boss yet? No? Hmm. Well, what if the Cum Guardian had blue balls on its shoulders and a necklace of serpents? And Billy Zane was giant and shirtless? That’s the sweet spot? Okay, great!”

  2. Lord-Derpface Says:

    I’ll be commenting as I read. When I wait until I reach the end to make one big comment, I always forget things that I wanted to say.

    I always thought that optional boss in Neverland was ****ing scary. When the Doom timer runs out, the affected character’s HP gauge disappears from the HUD! And I’m pretty sure I may have seen their hearts floating above them. I once managed to kick Kurt Ziza’s ass, but I have never even attempted the Phantom again after my original attempt after finding it by accident. Although I didn’t even know the proper way to fight it back then. I was a kid and thought that just hitting it with the keyblade until it died was how you were supposed to fight it. It worked against every other enemy up to that point.

  3. Lord-Derpface Says:

    Actually, I read somewhere that Chernabog was originally intended to be the main villain and final boss. Of course, that changed at some point in development, but apparently they had the boss fight already coded and everything, and they thought it would have been a waste to just throw it out, so they inserted the fight into the middle of the final dungeon.

  4. Lord-Derpface Says:

    “The Billy Zane Pop-O-Matic Muscle Car”

    GLORIOUS.

  5. Lord-Derpface Says:

    You mirrored my exact thoughts the first time I saw the ending, though perhaps with less swearing.

    I can’t really pick out a favorite part of this recap. I was roaring with laughter throughout the rest of the final battle starting with the first instance of “Cum Guardian”. I am tired and easily amused.

    So, that’s one more recap completed. I believe that brings us up to five completed recaps now? From your other comments, I presume a new FFX-2 recap is on the way. Got anything planned next after that?

    Also, do you yet know what you’re going to nickname Xemnas/Xehanort whenever you get around to KH2? Will you continue to call him Billy Zane, or perhaps an anagram of Billy Zane with an ‘X’ added? Or perhaps will you simply continue to replace every instance of “Ansem” with “Billy Zane”? I ask because it’s a funny nickname. Speaking of which, let’s have one more encore for the greatest final boss name ever.

    The Billy Zane Pop-o-Matic Muscle Car. Amazing.

  6. Sam Says:

    The Billy Zane thing came into being well before we had any idea of his multiple aliases and his identity theft of the real Ansem, so I have no current idea what I’m going to do with that.

    Glad you enjoyed the recap!

  7. Accidentally The Sun Says:

    Damn, just THINKING about Kingdom Hearts (and Ace Attorney) gives me a headache. Congrats to you all for not only slogging through them (plus Xenosaga), but turning out great recaps for them! Constantly! Without becoming drug addicts! Or killing p- okay, there are probably a few bodies littered in your respective wakes, but hey.

  8. Accidentally The Sun Says:

    (And I mean mainly trying to follow the storylines. My eyes cross even reading synopses for those three series. I can follow Suikoden, I can follow Silent Hill just fine without my brain knotting up too much, but those three? There’s not enough booze in the world for me to even attempt to comprehend what goes on in them.)

  9. demidaemon Says:

    Congrats, Sam! Quite an accomplishment indeed, since this originally started out as a tag-team recap (to save sanity, I presume) but you finished it like the champion you are! It was pretty awesome, and I clearly have blocked out the final boss fight of this game because I only remember the rescuing part and the WTF final form and not the rigamarole you have to go through to actually kill the thing. So, quotes that I loved (and there were a lot). Seriously, most of them have to do with Maleficient self-pleasuring herself (and thank you for that mental image, by the way. I will never be able to look at that character the same way again, or fighting the instinct to gag. Ruined childhood =1, to you, good lady), but also the way you casually tear apart the mixed metaphor conundrum is also a part of that. Quote overload ahead, everybody:

    “This sounds way too much like the ballad of the One Ring to me, which I guess makes Junior Frodo, while Riku is Boromir and the keyholes are all Samwise.”

    “The ghost of Maleficent is openly masturbating right now.”

    “He also, as thanks for killing him, upgrades Glide to Superglide. That’s right: he leaves them some lube and then invites them into his open crater.”

    “As each wave of Heartless is defeated, other pieces of the Heartless symbol fall off, finally leaving a heart-shaped vagina in the wall. The casts of the Anal Attorney and Suikoden series are crying out for Junior to run the other way, but he bravely charges in there, only to find…the door from the Island of Wankers? Edgeworth and Gremio were right: this was a mistake.”

    “As he monologues, bits and pieces of the Island of Wankers disappear and the ocean turns a dark, emo purple. It’s like Maleficent had an orgasm in there.”

    “Turning to the bright white door, his hair flying dramatically behind him in this weatherless vacuum, Billy grunts, “Kingdom Hearts! Fill me with the power of darkness…” The door opens on cue, for all the world looking like a bleached vagina leaking Smoke Monster, which tangles the metaphors beyond repair. He wants to be filled up by a vagina? I don’t know.”

    “I’m too annoyed at Junior and Token to even pay attention to the credits, even though they’re revisiting moments from the game’s history like “That time Junior and @%$#!!! were fighting” and “When Junior met [insert Disney character here].” I mean, this is riveting stuff, obviously, but I’m still pretty mad. The second half of the credits–yes, they’re long–features small, silent vignettes from the post-closing-the-door world, like @%$#!!!’s nephews returning to Disney Castle, Bitch reuniting with Aeris in Hollow Bastion to my bored yawning, Pinocchio turning into a real boy and Geppedo promptly being accosted by Chris Hansen, Aladdin and Jasmine making out while the Genie and Abu masturbate outside their window, and the Wanker Trio running off to play Blitzball somewhere, hopefully in the middle of traffic.”

    That last one is a true masterpiece, by the way. I bow down to your abilities.

  10. Keelorzilla Says:

    So many funny descriptions in this! I’m afraid if I start picking out quotes I won’t stop…

  11. Cat Says:

    …what the fuck kind of ending was that? None of it made sense. That was beyond dumbness I have seen in any of the Disney movies I watched. I agree, what’s the point of looking for Mickey and Riku if they’re right beyond the door they were at earlier? What? This is… *sigh* You know, I’m GLAD I never wanted to play the KH games!

  12. Sam Says:

    You all are too kind. To me, not the end of this game, which deserves no kindness.

  13. demidaemon Says:

    To Cat, I think I figured out the nonsense of the ending. Really, the only way it makes sense ifs Squaresoft with dollar signs in their eyes, screaming, “SEQUELS!”

  14. Lord-Derpface Says:

    To be fair, the next games would probably have played out quite a bit differently had the Mouseketeers reunited with Riku and King Mickey right then and there. My memory’s hazy on the matter, but maybe Mickey knew something everyone else didn’t at this time? Still doesn’t excuse everyone else’s behavior in this ending though.

  15. Sam Says:

    “To Cat, I think I figured out the nonsense of the ending. Really, the only way it makes sense ifs Squaresoft with dollar signs in their eyes, screaming, “SEQUELS!”

    ^ It’s absolutely this.

    Again, my problem is less that Riku and Mickey stayed behind the door (since my recollection is that there is indeed a reason) and more that nobody else even gives it a second thought. Add in one admittedly cheesy line about how he has to stay for some kind of greater good and I don’t have much problem with it, other than it being hokey.

  16. ryoko126 Says:

    I SO can’t stop laughing at the epilogue about what you said about Riku. Why? Because it would be the same thing I’d be doing! I will make note that, at the time I played the game, it didn’t come to my mind to realize how incredibly bad the lyrics to Simple and Clean are. At least as far as what the game’s about? From what I gathered the only way it would have made sense was if Riku was just too embarrassed to tell everyone he and Sora were dating… Or something?

    But I loved the final recap! It means that the recap for a game I love even more will be on its way at some point in time! YAY for better gummi ship controls!

  17. Cat Says:

    I guess the sequel thing is the reason… although I’ll be quiet honest, I’m still waiting for Aerith/Aeris…. Ms Gainsborough to die in KH. And Cloud’s role for “that scene” is taken over by Goofy. Cause if she survives, I’m sure some VII fanboys are gonna complain.

  18. Lord-Derpface Says:

    Let’s just call her Airhead. Keeps things consistent with the FF7 recap and makes it so that we don’t have to fuss with the spelling of her name.

    Speaking of her, I wonder what’ll happen if Nomura ever goes and replays Final Fantasy VII and realizes that she wasn’t originally the prim and proper Disney Princess that she’s portrayed as today? People tend to subconciously swap her and Tifa’s personalities based on how they’re dressed.

  19. Cat Says:

    I call her Aerith cause she’s the only VII cast character I actually like.

    And if you look at her behavior in Crisis Core, you can tell that she was pretty demure, but still had some spunk in her. And while Crisis Core is… not… that great of a game as a prequel, any scene involving Zack and Aerith is canon for me. And I think his contact with her made her more open in VII.

    If Nomura or whoever of Squeen replays VII, I wonder if they’ll realize that Aerith’s death did NOT come out of nowhere. It was so heavily hinted at, I was surprised to even hear people calling it a surprise to begin with. Also, the scene is not shocking. It’s not… surprising. It’s actually downright laughable. I know people are clamoring for a VII remake and I admit I would like to see a VII with better graphics (because by God I just CAN’T get myself to finish the game after that snowboarding section… I just got too bored) I doubt it’ll happen. And that any VII fanboy will actually LIKE it cause “Nyeeeh, the graphics are too new. The battle system is different. They upgraded the controls (couldn’t they have done that for the PSN version, please? Just analog movement…)” and other stuff.

  20. Keelorzilla Says:

    Lord-Derpface, I agree! Aerith’s saving grace (to me) was the fact that she wasn’t the stereotypical prim and proper princess. Someone should give the woman a medal for making untold numbers of heterosexual young men play through Wall Market.

  21. Lord-Derpface Says:

    While Crisis Core did fall short as far as being a prequel goes (all it really did was flesh out Zack, who was originally just some dude Cloud was friends with in his Shinra days, and show us that Sephiroth used to have FRIENDS before he turned evil), it was still pretty fun to play.

    I think most people who played it may have been new to RPGs and didn’t think it possible for a playable character to die before the end of the game, and they didn’t know how to read foreshadowing yet. When I was a kid I never really saw it, and only now that I’m older do I notice the foreshadowing wizard bludgeoning me with the “SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO AERIS!” mallet.

    If an FF7 remake ever does get made, I’d be fine with them adding some new content, making some small rewrites to the story to reference characters and events from the compilation, and changing Aeris to Aerith (I’m fine with either spelling), but my main fears are:

    -Changing the story too much.
    -Changing the gameplay too much.
    -Axing the world map.
    -Changing “Cloud then” to “Cloud now”. https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1508160_10151970588440208_489844763_n.jpg
    -Changing “Aeris then” to “Aerith now”. (Sorry, no picture, but we’ve already talked about the main difference.)
    -Trying to shoehorn Lightning into the game somehow (I heard they tried to do that in FFX/X-2 HD, don’t if they actually did or not.)

  22. Lord-Derpface Says:

    …don’t KNOW if they actually did or not.)

  23. Cat Says:

    I don’t think a character dying was all that new, even in ’97 when VII came out. Heck, it wasn’t even new to the Final Fantasy series! It’s happened at least once in every FF game since II. In VI, we may say “Well it was an NPC, who cares” but in V, it was a playable character. One that the player may have gotten attached to (I’m referring to other players here… I personally take a long, LONG time to get attached to one) and I feel like that was a bigger impact than Aerith. (Actually I think a bigger shock for me was what Kefka did to the world than Aerith!)

    Changing the Story? I’d be glad if they changed the story, I have no freaking clue what was going on to begin with…! I’ll gladly blame the atrocious German translation I got, but what I’ve seen from the recap here and other videos, the English translation wasn’t much better. (What second grader doesn’t know how to properly form a sentence that indicates that there is a consequence if you attack the tail, without resulting in that being shown in the second half of the sentence?)

    The gameplay needs some serious updates! I barely remember the greatness of the gameplay. The battle was really slow, I hated how I HAD to use a Limit Break if I had one and couldn’t “save” it for a boss fight. The worldmap thing… doesn’t bother me.

    Haha, didn’t notice that about Cloud! I will say, I prefer his hair in Advent Children, but only cause it doesn’t look so freaking stupid. Then again, I didn’t like “Cloud Then” and I don’t really like “Cloud Now” so I doubt a “Cloud Remake” would make me like him.

    As long as people aren’t delusional and think Claerith is gonna work ou-Oh who am I kidding, they’ll do it, anyway.

    What, you dislike Lightning? I love her! Then again, part of that reason is probably due to her being voiced by Sakamoto Maaya, whom I have a woman-crush on. (And she voiced Aerith, too) I don’t know if they brought Light into X/X-2, I refuse to give money to Squeen in anything that makes them think Tightass was a good idea. All I know is that there is a code to have Summoner Yuna as a garb for Light in Lightning Returns.

  24. Lord-Derpface Says:

    Remember that FF7 was a lot of people’s introduction to FF, and perhaps RPGs in general.

  25. Lord-Derpface Says:

    As for the other stuff, I really don’t feel like getting into an argument right now, so let’s agree to disagree and move on with our lives.

  26. Lord-Derpface Says:

    All this talk of Final Fantasy VII kind of makes me want to reread “The Sevening”. It’s an ongoing webcomic that spoofs the FF7 storyline. It’s full of alternate character interpretation and jabs at some of the weirder stuff in the game. It’s actually pretty funny. Here’s the TV Tropes page where you can peek at some of the highlights, if you’re interested. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Webcomic/FinalFantasyVIITheSevening

  27. [Insert Name] Says:

    Ah, the glorious end to a twelve year journey.

    Gods, but that final battle is the pinnacle of logic defying final forms of FF-esque endgame boss fights. I don’t get why Billy Zane basically did nothing while this kid whittled away at his defenses one by one–though I suppose if everything was thrown at Sora at once, it would have been a curb stomp battle and we wouldn’t have had any sequels. Why didn’t didn’t this happen again?

    Yes, that’s the single point I’m focusing on about this clusterfuck.

    Fun fact, Kingdom Hearts was the first RPG I ever played all the way through. The closest I came before then was with FF10 (I got inside Sin and proceeded to nope right the fuck out of that nonsense). The whole thing about no one ever commenting on Riku’s apparent decision to stay on the darkness side of the dark always bothered the fuck out of me. Nice to see it torn a new one in this final recap.

  28. Lord-Derpface Says:

    Refresh my memory: Did the Billy Zane Pop-o-Matic Muscle Car even have any attacks besides the staff twirling and the piddly little laser beams mentioned in the recap?

  29. Lord-Derpface Says:

    I think either Kingdom Hearts or Pokemon Sapphire was the first game I ever beat. When I was a kid, I either sucked too much to make it to the end, or I reached the last area and left because I didn’t want the game to be over.

  30. Sam Says:

    The various, erm, growths on the BZPoMMC could attack–in particular the ones in the undercarriage that weren’t penises definitely had some kind of long-range attack. But the structure itself did nothing.

  31. TsuNoBa Says:

    Sam, I’m sensing some bitterness on your part regarding Sora closing the door on Riku. You shouldn’t bottle it up. Let us know how you really feel.

    On a non-sarcastic note, congratulations on yet another finished recap! Thank you for the entertainment, and I’m sorry you had to deal with Junior being a wanker.

    Also, I don’t think I thanked you for this when that part came out, so I’m going to do it now: In part 13, when Junior talks about the Power of Friendship after he beats Samcules by himself? Thank you for your rant. I’ve replayed this game a few times since then. Every single time I get to that part, I immediately pause and go to the recap because you said everything I want to say about that scene.

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