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06.24.08

On Gay Lawyers and Pokemon

Well, “thanks” to Sam, I now have a renewed interest in Pokemon. And not like that — I’m not a pokephile. Against my better judgment, I’ve decided to buy one of the Pokemon DS games. But that’s not what this post is about — I’m sure you’ll hear a lot about my masochistic Pokemon collecting adventures in the near future. Patience, young padawans.

This post is all about what happens when my unholy brain starts wondering how to combine the worlds of gay lawyers and Pocket Monsters Pokemon and comes up with the question: what would be Phoenix Wright’s and Miles Edgeworth’s Pokemon dream teams? Since I am lazy don’t want to hog all the fun for myself, I’m letting you guys answer this question.

I ran this past Sam, and we came up with some simple rules:
*Each of the Pokemon teams needs to contain six different Pokemon.
*Explain your choices — boring lists are boring.
*All Pokemon are fair game — not just the ones from the DS versions.
*You don’t need to create both teams unless you want to.
*Bonus points for including innuendo-laden Pokemon Battle dialog between the two lawyers.
*Please do not post a link to your super serious Pokemon/Phoenix Wright crossover epic.

This is just for fun — I’m not giving out prizes or anything. Hey, where are you all going?

Tags: ,

Posted by Jeanne

27 Responses to “On Gay Lawyers and Pokemon”

  1. TsuNoBa Says:

    Sadly, I know nothing of Pokemon beyond the basics. The very basics. As in, even with prompting, I don’t think I could name more than ten Pokemon without looking them up. So I can’t contribute.

    However, I am wondering if I missing something, because that’s the third or fourth time I’ve seen someone mention these two fandoms at once, and to me, this seems like a crossover that would only appear once in a while.

  2. Jeanne Says:

    If you’re patient — and I don’t blame you if you’re not — there are online Pokedexes with images. I don’t know much beyond the first 250 or so, and it’s not like I can remember all of them without looking at the images.

    I have no idea why the two fandoms would be commonly mentioned together, but that’s interesting. I like Pokemon because of the cute animal quotient and Phoenix Wright because of the humor and gay innuendo. Completely divergent reasons.

  3. Quartz Falcon Says:

    Well, I just checked the Pokedex on the official site to get some ideas and, oddly enough, got most of what I needed from the 1st generation. Here goes:

    Phoenix’s Pokeymans:
    Charizard (starter). Most women would think Wright chose this one because it represents his masculinity. They would be right (see: flaming).
    Mudkip: having a water/ground type is very useful, but truth be told, he mainly keeps him on his main party to make “i herd u liek” jokes.
    Butterfree: the team psychic, Phoenix let him keep the Harden skill from his Metapod days.
    Vileplume: the grass specialist who poisons opponents with poisonous poison that will prove their undoing. Phoenix picked this form over Bellosom because that one was too girly even for him.
    Rhydon: the tank, and the use of psychological warfare against Edgeworth when worse comes to worse. It may be unethical to have a Pokemon cast Earthquake when your opponent has a phobia for them, but all’s fair in lovemaking and war.
    Jynx: the ice specialist, secondary psychic and token female. She’s only there so that Mia can possess her and help Phoenix out.

    Edgey’s Pokeymans (see if you can notice a pattern):
    Nidoking (starter): powerful horn, mighty wrestling moves, truly a man’s Pokemon.
    Clefable: It was a toss-up between this one and Wigglytuff, but Edgeworth found Metronome far more useful.
    Flaafy: the electricity specialist. Fluffy, but deadly.
    Slowpoke: the team psychic, and the counterpart to Wright’s Mudkip on meme power.
    Lickitung: The one who’s regular, and Edgeworth’s own source of psychological warfare. “Wright! My Lickitung will wrap itself around your Butterfree, softly caressing him with his tongue, leaving his stunned, prone body at the mercy of my Nidoking’s mighty horn!”
    Cherrim: the grass type.

  4. Vincent Valentine Says:

    Edgey would totally have:

    Clefairy
    Clefable
    Jigglypuff
    Wigglytuff
    Chansey – Would be like an assistant for him.
    Mew – He needs at least one overly powered one right?

    They fit his colour scheme perfectly and they are cute to boot. They would blend in well in his office. I can picture all of them surrounding a TV watching the Steel Samurai.

    I now have strange ideas of lawyers in court trying to prove if a defendant is guilty or not depending if they win a pokémon battle.

    As for innuendo:

    “Jigglypuff pound Wright’s pokémon into the ground!”

    “Not good, Jigglypuff do like I do and go into a Defence Curl. It’s the only way to satisfy his rage!”

    Also there is a move which I have to laugh at. Submission. Hee!

  5. MintWhelp Says:

    I don’t know… BUT! But one of the teams would totally have Mr. Mime in there… And maybe Poliwhil because re: That blog post about the Perverted Poliwhirl.

  6. Sam Says:

    The Jigglypuffs and Chanseys don’t really fit Edgeworth’s color scheme–his brand of pink is a deep fuchsia, whereas these Pokémon are more of a pale pink. And using different evolutionary forms that look exactly the same to fill out a team? C’mon, you can do better.

  7. Sam Says:

    Okay, here’s my own list for Edgeworth (still thinking about Phoenix):

    Mr. Mime. We’ve gone over this, so I don’t think an explanation is necessary.
    Cherubi. Cherubi is like the Pokémon made for Miles–the perfect fuchsia color and he looks like a nutsack.
    Rapidash. Flaming stallion? Yes please.
    Sudowoodo. Giant erect tree with ball-like leafy protrusions. Sudowoodo is also, like Edgeworth, skilled in the arts of deceit, since he is a rock Pokémon that looks like a fucking tree.
    Milotic. Yeah, it kind of looks like a chick, but the color scheme works too well. And I’m also trying to create a well-rounded team–Miles Edgeworth plays to win–and Milotic is easily the most fabulous water type.
    Delcatty. I think he’d enjoy a Pokémon as prissy and feline as he is.

  8. Jeanne Says:

    Cherubi is like the Pokémon made for Miles–the perfect fuchsia color and he looks like a nutsack.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    Delcatty. I think he’d enjoy a Pokémon as prissy and feline as he is.

    But wouldn’t that imply that Edgeworth likes pussy?

  9. Sam Says:

    But wouldn’t that imply that Edgeworth likes pussy?

    That’s just a little something I threw in there to confuse Ema.

  10. Jeanne Says:

    Hee! Ema would totally see that Pokemon and think that Mr. Edgeworth caught it just so he could use it as a chick magnet.

  11. AirAce Says:

    Team Pheonix/i>
    Charmeleon – To protect him from Raging Fangirls. Sorry girls he don’t want you.
    Jigglypuff – To help him sleep after hard days in the Courtroom.
    Ninetails – Because its Fa-bulous!
    Rapidash – To make that perfect entrance on a flaming Unicorn. Every Girl ‘s and gayboy’s dream
    Horsea – His idea water pet! Small and so cute.
    Mr. Mime – His answer to keeping the apartment clean.

    —–
    Truth be told, there are few pokemon that would fall under Edgeworth’s idea of color. So please be gentle.

    Team Edgeworth
    Bulbasaur – Small, portable, and with Tentacle/whip like appendages. A must have!
    Ekans – For captureingthe attention of any potential date.
    Tentacruel – Its a water pokemon that also is a perfect pet to take baths with.
    Arcanine – His entrance beast. Plus it helps him pretend he is manly.
    Haunter – When you need that excuse to invade someone’s bedroom or want them running to yours
    Licktung – Can watch this guy molest for hours

  12. AirAce Says:

    I would like to add this is not how I would use the pokmon if they existed. I was merely looking at their actual function/abilites and not color.

  13. Kuli Says:

    No mention of Palkia? I’m disappointed. It’s basically a big pink phallus, after all.

  14. kazokuhouou Says:

    Phoenix-

    Piplup-I need a reason? Okay, okay, he’d have ONE that makes a cute stuffed animal.

    Banette-With all the ghosts and people channelling the dead and whatnot, I think it only right that one of Phoenix’s pokemon should be a ghost type. Banette is my favorite.

    Houndoom-Cause every lawyer needs a good dog, and Edgeworth already has Pess.

    Jolteon-the spiky fur matches his hair.

    Steelix-something to protect him from Franziska’s wrath.

    Ho-oh-it’s a friggin phoenix.

    Edgeworth:

    Empoleon-He needs someone with as good fashion sense as him.

    Gardevoir-Here’s the important part. It must be a MALE Gardevoir. Gender confusion and all. “Is it male? Is it female? Does it like men or women?”

    Ursaring-Clearly, he threatened many people with it to get his perfect record. It even explains why Phoenix broke said record, he has Pokemon too.

    Pachirisu (shiny)-The shiny Pachirisu has fuschia markings instead of blue. It matches.

    Absol-Actually, I imagine this would be a Pokemon his father Gregory would have and Miles would be the type to have one in his honor (hell, for fun’s sake, let’s say this was his dad’s. Or a child of his dad’s.)

    Moltres-it reminds him of Phoenix. Nuff said.

    And if I didn’t blow at it, I’d make up innuendo.

  15. Albedo667 Says:

    @kazokuhouou: Gardevoir can’t be male. It has a gender based evolution now. The name of the male counterpart escapes me at the moment. But I’m nitpicking since you’re using D&P Pokemon. Great idea though. Instead use a male Kirlia, that way they can be pedophiles too.

    Carry on everyone. *poof*

  16. Vincent Valentine Says:

    Okay, I’ll try with Phoenix.

    Gyarados – Raging gigantic penis monster.

    Slowpoke/Psyduck- Phoenix is slow at catching onto important points in court. It’s just like him!

    Machoke – Muscular, sexy, wrestling pokémon. Need I say more?

    Sunkern – Because we all know how much he wants to give Edgey his seed.

    Ditto – Phoenix’s favourite pokémon. He could order it to turn into buff men and watch it do flexes all day.

    Misdreavus – It has a pearl necklace.

    And this makes me think bad things :
    (from wikipedia)
    “In the event that a human, trepid or otherwise, enters a cave area inhabited by a Misdreavus, the Pokémon will attempt to drive him or her out by biting and pulling at the intruding human’s hair, which is used for defense.”
    Anti-anal rape pokémon!

  17. kazokuhouou Says:

    Albedo: Yes, there is a male evolution of Kirlia, Gallade. However, that is a stone evolution. Leave it alone, and at level 30 it would evolve to Gardevoir.

    ….

    I need a life, don’t I.

  18. Albedo667 Says:

    I feel sad now. Someone just outnerded me.

  19. kazokuhouou Says:

    I feel sad now. I just outnerded someone.

  20. Sam Says:

    Misdreavus – It has a pearl necklace.

    Winner!

  21. AirAce Says:

    ooo Good one Sam!

  22. Albedo667 Says:

    Here’s one to wrap your brains around. A female Mr.Mime. Yes that can happen in the game. Well up to FireRed/LeafGreen at least. Sabrina had one.

  23. Rakunya Says:

    You know, I never have caught a MALE Mr. Mime…

  24. kazokuhouou Says:

    In D/P as well, I’ve seen some on the GTS.

  25. Jeanne Says:

    I love all these lists! You guys are making me laugh my ass off, here.

    All right, here are my ideas for Phoenix’s Pokemon team. I figured that Phoenix would manage to assemble the lamest, most pathetic Pokemon team ever. Remember that he somehow graduated from law school without learning important concepts such as cross-examining, presenting evidence, or the Court Record. Likewise, I imagine that he would end up capturing Pokemon and engaging in Pokemon battles without actually knowing anything about Pokemon. So here are his team members (hee…’members’…):
    -Magikarp. It flops and flounders around much like Phoenix in court. And sure, it evolves into the much more useful Gyarados, but Phoenix wouldn’t know that until he stumbled upon it by accident. Also like he does in court.
    -Metapod. Just fucking useless. Although Phoenix probably snickers every time he orders it to use Harden.
    -Psyduck. This is from the anime where Psyduck is a pointless waste of time. Sure, when Psyduck gets a headache, it becomes super powerful, but again, that would only happen by happy accident.
    -Bidoof. Because of this comic.
    -Luvdisc. Not having played anything beyond Gold and Silver, I don’t know if this really qualifies as a useless Pokemon. But I thought Phoenix should have a pink Pokemon to match his pink tie, and this one looked pretty frickin’ gay as well as non-threatening.

    “But that’s only five Pokemon!” you say. Remember — just like in court, he (almost) always manages to win. After Edgeworth defeats all five of Phoenix’s shitty Pokemon with ease, Phoenix would think that all hope was lost. But then someone — possibly dead Mia, or Maya, or even Edgeworth himself, for God’s sake — would point out that Phoenix still has one Pokemon left. Maybe he should, like, try that one. So Phoenix whips out his final ball, and releases his sixth Pokemon.

    Which is actually a powerful, badass Pokemon.

    I talked to Sam to get her advice on which Pokemon this should be. Mewtwo? Whatever the most recent legendary Pokemon is? And she recommended Lucario, who is a badass, has a “do-goody and heroic” voice, and likes the color blue. So Lucario it is.

  26. Rydia Says:

    I’d say Mew. He’d definitely catch it thinking it was something cute, fluffy, and cuddly, with absolutely no idea of its power. He’d probably not use it because it’s too cute, and he doesn’t want it to get hurt.

    Plus it’s psychic.

  27. yamitami Says:

    I am way, WAY late to this party, but I can’t help but post the perfect Phoenix pokemon:

    Typhlosion, or one of the less evolved forms. It’s back is a blue that’s only a couple shades darker than Phoenix’s suit, it’s a fire type to reference his name, and the flames are spiky. AND (and I feel like a complete Pokefag for knowing this) but when Typhlosion’s health gets low it’s attack goes up, and Phoenix always has to flounder around before he somehow flails his way to victory.

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