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"I have to take a moment to recover after Ellia leaves through the room's second exit because for once the corridor is just...a regular corridor. Just to translate my surprise into something you can understand, imagine this scenario: 'Hey, did you hear? The next female Final Fantasy character design features neither boobs nor ass!' I'll give you a moment to sit down as well. (Note: That is obviously not an actual scenario.)"
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04.30.13

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 6

Sam drew the short straw and ended up with the worst dungeon in the history of Zelda dungeons and perhaps all video game dungeons: the Water Temple. And if you think it was bad for Sam, just wait until you see what Twink has to endure.

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Posted by Jeanne

12 Responses to “Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 6”

  1. MintWhelp Says:

    Awesome recap, as it si always good to read about Link’s suffering –I’m not addicted to schadenfreude, I can leave it any time!– … Except for one thing.

    The Baby Bullet Commercial.

    WHAT. THE. HELL!?

    I guess I’m too used to a) Just not go to a party that is basically labeled as women’s only party or b)Too used to a loving enough grandma that wouldn’t heavily drink and make an arse outta herself at parties… But man, was that thing awkward.

    Oh yeah, and the baby bullet idea is awful too, but only because I have secret magical powers that allow me to make edible things with my hands out of other edible things, puree included.

  2. Cat Says:

    I have to say, when I played the Water Temple for the first time ever a few months back, it didn’t seem that terrible to me. Only problem I had was sheer stupidity in not getting a chest that had a small key that I needed to get the Boss Key. And not figuring out how to get up that slope to the boss room…

  3. demidaemon Says:

    You know, there was plenty of quotable bits from this recap. And it was definitely a well-needed laugh on Hump Day, but I think the most important section was the pure truth that Sam gave us about sliding block puzzles:

    “I really, really hate slider puzzles. I skip them whenever possible the many, many times they show up in the Professor Layton series, because pretty much every puzzle guide provides the amazingly helpful advice, “there is no walkthrough for this puzzle–you have to figure it out on your own!” I’d like to issue a personal and vehement “Fuck you” to anyone who has ever written that for GameFAQs. No, I will not figure it out on my own, because I am a moron who lacks spatial reasoning, and fuck you one more time. Bonus asshole points for any slider puzzle–this one, and several in the ice mansion in Twinklight Princess–that are on top of an ice floor, just so Twink has to slip and slide around like a moron to get to the correct side of the block to push, oh but it’s not the correct side because I’m terrible at this. For real, if I knew who invented slider puzzles, and I acquired a time machine, their assassination would take priority over Hitler’s. It’s not even close.”

    This should be mailed to all game designers who even consider making another one.

    I also appreciated the number of uses of “fuck” (is it me or is this a record-breaking number of uses in a recap?) and the utter uselessness of the Longshot, which perhaps should have been renamed the Schlongshot (though I feel this has appeared in a recap somewhere before.).

    Keep up the good work, Sam!

  4. Sam Says:

    The Slingshot is already the Schlongshot, sadly.

    And it was a lot of fucks, though I didn’t count! I actually took a few out because I thought I was going off the rails a bit.

  5. Xyrafhoan Says:

    I can’t mention enough how brilliant Sam’s recaps are. Those damn minigames make me want to strangle some game designer out there too. Malon’s Obstacle Course is made obnoxiously hard by the arcane requirements of actually getting Epona to jump over the fences like you’d expect, lest she buckle from being one degree angled too much to the left or something.

    There’s an amusing glitch in the 3DS version of OoT where Dampe can dig up unlimited pieces of heart. Just in case you were insane enough to keep playing his game after winning the first one.

  6. Cat Says:

    “There‚Äôs an amusing glitch in the 3DS version of OoT where Dampe can dig up unlimited pieces of heart. Just in case you were insane enough to keep playing his game after winning the first one.”
    Really? Well… shit! If I had known that and actually cared enough about OoT to play it more than once, I would’ve done that.

    I quoted tons of the recap to my husband – and I mean a lot – so I dunno which one would be my favorite part. I like the aftereffects of the encounter with Twink Jr, the captions to the screenshots – especially the one when fighting Dark Link. So I guess my favorite part will have to be…

    “And if Twink thrusts with his sword toward his goth self–he can’t help it, that guy is pretty hot–Dark Twink leaps onto his blade and stands there, wagging the familiar bulge beneath his tunic in Twink’s face. In short, this is the most masturbatory thing our hero has ever done, and that includes many, many years of actual masturbation inside his sad little treehouse.”

    Because that makes me laugh too much. I know those were a favorite for Yaoi for years, but this just takes the cake. I can’t take any fight against Dark Link serious anymore. Oh – a tidbit, those years ago when OoT originally came out and my brother got the post-Water Temple scene, he made the joke that Ruto’s ‘thanks’ for Sheik was done in the form of a blowjob by Link. I was almost suspecting something like this to appear in the recap, but it would probably have gotten a Black Screen of Hiding…

  7. Ben Says:

    Wow, you got to do the Forest Temple AND the Water Temple? You have truly been blessed!

    Anyway, great recap – you captured the utter pain of the infamous Water Temple perfectly, and the rant about slider puzzles was bang-on.

    Also, I cannot unsee Goatse!Triforce. Christ.

  8. Sam Says:

    I also get to do the Spirit Temple, which Jeanne and I agree is by far the best. So it evens out!

  9. Cat Says:

    The Spirit Temple is the best? How so?
    After all, it has two old vaginas becoming one giant semi-old vagina as a boss. Then again it does have the shiney Mirror Shield, but Jeanne has made it very clear that it’s not that great, thanks WW Earth Temple…

  10. Ben Says:

    True. And Jeanne gets to do the Bottom of the Well AND the Shadow Temple in the same recap. Poor Twink is going to need therapy…

  11. Sam Says:

    I mean best as in fun to play (and best music!), not best recap fodder, necessarily. Though Jeanne and I thought the Fire Temple was one of the good ones too and look how that turned out. I’m sure I’ll hate it by the time I’ve recapped it.

  12. Wicked Bee Says:

    Loved the recap. It really felt like playing the Water Temple all over again. Just wanted to mention that it is actually possible to get the hat off the guy at the fishing hole. You just have to keep casting at him over and over again until you snag it. The reaction is kinda funny, if I remember correctly.

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