You know how some days just really, really suck? And just when you think things can’t get any shittier, they do? Well today was a prime example of that kind of day.
First of all, I woke up in prison this morning. And not just any prison — the Imperial Pound-Me-in-the-Ass Prison. The sad thing is, I can’t even remember what I did to get there. None of the guards saw fit to enlighten me either, the jerks. Since I had a lot of free time on my hands and not much else to do for the rest of my life, I made a mental list of the most likely possibilities:
1) Drunk and disorderly
2) Playing the Penis Game too loudly
Really, I wouldn’t be surprised if it were both. Such is the life of a recapper.
So I sat around for a while, feeling sorry for myself and wondering why no one bothered to pick up the last occupant’s skeletal remains from my cell. My pity party was constantly interrupted by the asshat in the cell across from mine who kept yelling random shit and racial slurs at me. Just because I’m a Breton, he thought that was cause enough to call me a “stuck-up harlot” who uses “cheap parlor tricks.” Whatever. The daughter of the great Recapiere family is immune to such insults. Besides, he was a Wood Elf (or Bosmer, if you want to use the PC term), so I’m sure the fact that I have a vagina automatically put me on his shitlist, if you follow me.
That fucker shut up really quick when some new figures approached. One of them was a guy in fancy robes and jewelry. My heart sank — with that getup, he could only be the one they called “Lord Rapinator.” As if my day couldn’t get any worse! Lord Rapinator had two guards with him — a talky chick and a black dude. Sorry, “Redguard.” As I huddled fearfully in the back corner of my cell, the whole crew entered. The cell, that is.
Then, Lord Rapinator — an old guy with gray girl hair and Captain Picard’s voice — started talking like he knew me and that we had met by fate. Like it wasn’t bad enough that I had to deal with his…attentions…I had to play along with his weird romantic fantasies, too?